Jar Full O' Gender Patterns SF

Here in this blog, I am continuing with the blog called 'Jar Full O' Gender Patterns' with some self-forgivenesses. You can read my blog about self-forgiveness here to get a better understanding of the 'use' of self-forgiveness. In the previous blog, I mentioned my realization in relation to how I judged 'masculinity' as 'limited', and desired to 'expand' masculinity by adding 'feminine' elements to my 'masculine' expression by taking the concept of 'toughness' as a perceived 'masculine' trait, and 'testing' it out by embracing 'femininity'. As a 'man', I believed that a man shouldn't 'resist' embracing 'femininity' because that resistance in itself means that the man is not representing that 'toughness' attribute that makes a man a 'man', and so embracing femininity is one thing that I did in my life to 'expand' and 'diversify' my 'masculine' expression. And one way that I embraced 'femininity' is through cross-dressing -- which is wearing clothes of the opposite gender. I realize that there are a myriad of reasons that contributed to my point of cross-dressing, but this would be one reason. What I didn't realize though is how 'masculinity' and 'femininity' are limited to, predominantly, behavioral patterns, and the clothing that define what a 'male' and a 'female' is, and here, I will start the self-forgiveness process to expand on this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'strutting' within walking as a 'masculine expression'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the distancing of arms slightly from the rest of the physical body, and concomitant with the act of sticking the chest out as a 'masculine expression'.

I commit myself to collapse all definitions and judgments of something / someone being 'masculine' or 'feminine' from the perspective of defining / judging them based on how I perceive 'masculinity' and 'femininity' to be, and instead, use 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as 'references' rather than absolute 'labels' that I assign to something / someone (including myself).

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I am 'challenging' when I 'challenge' the perceived 'nature' of 'masculinity' are all of the different patterns and behaviors that contribute to what and how I define masculinity as, and when I challenge 'masculinity' with 'femininity', by adopting certain 'feminine' patterns and expressions, that this 'challenges' the patterns and behaviors of 'masculinity', but perpetuates the total 'programming' of what I perceive 'gender identity' to be, and so thus, remain 'locked' in and as the 'matrix' of gender identity, which I will also indirectly facilitate the 'evolution' thereof (which is the evolution of gender identity, and all of the consequences that are related to gender identity such as misogynism, rape, gender inequality, feminism, etc.).

I commit myself to when I 'challenge' something, to challenge the entire foundation of it instead of only parts of it because I realize that when I only challenge a part of something, that this is actually self-manipulation, and not done from a starting-point of self-honesty, but rather, done from the point of wanting to keep parts of it so I can still have a 'back door' of participation in it which will create 'consequence' instead of actual 'change' and 'stability'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that wearing a 'pink shirt' is more of a 'feminine' expression.

I commit myself to collapse my definition of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' so I can clearly see, realize, and understand my reason for defining something as 'masculine' or 'feminine', and to from that 'seeing', correct my starting-point as a way of making sure that my reason for defining something as being 'masculine' or 'feminine' is not done out of a 'fear' or an 'embarrassment', but is done just as a 'reference' instead of a 'label'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define or judge what I do or what I 'wear' as a 'masculine' or 'feminine' expression, and desire to be praised for what I 'do' or what I 'wear' so that I can be 'validated' as being a man that 'correctly' expresses 'masculinity' or being a female that 'correctly' expresses 'femininity' to be able to 'fit in' with what is 'most acceptable' in society' so that I do not get ostracized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear clothes that have been assigned a 'masculine' or 'feminine' role and to adopt either a 'masculine' or a 'feminine' behavior to be 'validated by others so that I do not get 'ostracized' by society.

I commit myself to ask myself what am I not giving to myself from the perspective that I have to go out and 'dress' or 'act' a certain way in order to feel 'validated'.

I commit myself to expose the 'programming', which are the experiences, the words, the behaviors, the reactions, etc. that constitutes to me hiding myself behind a 'personality-suit' that constantly has to be 'validated' to have an 'acceptable expression'. I commit myself bring that 'consistent expression' out of myself which is that 'self' that never has to 'change' when interacting with other people by learning how to 'accept' myself and learning how to see all of the self-judgements that I have put up that constitutes to the 'product' of the 'personality-suits' that I 'act out' in self-diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the 'softness' that a female attributes to a 'feminine' expression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'softness' that a female attributes is a word that I use to describe the fat-distribution of a female compared to a male's fat-distribution of human adipose tissue, and the experience of 'attraction' that I attached to the way that a female's fat-distribution creates the overall shape of their body.

I commit myself to when I am defining something, such as a female body part to realize that the most effective way of defining something is to touch it, and if I do not have access to touching it, find access to it or use my own body parts, and describe the 'feel' (or texture) of it directly. I see, realize, and understand that when I touch my own body parts, it is rather more 'springy' than 'soft'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'softness' that a female attributes is also a product of my attraction to a female's physical body that gets projected into a female's physical behavior that makes it seem as though the female has 'elegance' and 'beauty' in the way they 'move' or express themselves instead of realizing that this 'gracefulness' is a projection of my experience of 'attraction' to a female that emanates an 'attraction-experience' that I define as 'soft'.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the experience of 'attraction' to females because I realize how the experience of attraction can create ideas that then gets attached to physical behavior which then inflates that physical behavior in my mind as something that is 'special'. I commit myself to when and as there is a feeling of attraction emerging within myself to, instead of going into my mind to perpetuate it, to see how those feelings move in my physical body to gain an awareness of how feelings (which is energy) moves within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself realize that my desire to incorporate 'softness' within 'masculinity' is my desire to have that same experience of 'attraction' to myself that I have with females by making myself resemble a female, and using that experience of 'attraction' to myself as a 'measurement' of how effective I can make myself 'look female' which will create a sense of how well I have 'integrated' the 'feminine' expression into myself.

I commit myself to stop using 'feelings' as a 'measurement' of something to prove my 'like' or 'dislike' of it / them.

I commit myself to stop making decisions based on my 'likes' or 'dislikes' about something / someone, and to start making decisions from the starting-point of 'weighing decisions', and choosing a decision that will be most 'beneficial' to the situation.

I see, realize and understand that 'fashion' is a product of 'gender identity' and social culture.

I commit myself to stop trying to validate myself contingent on what the 'trending' fashion is at the moment.

I will continue in future blogs....