Aren't we all Genderfluid?

So I've been doing lots of research on gender and gender identity. What I find most interesting about gender is how gender is more of a spectrum rather than a binary between male and female. We tend to think that there are only two genders which are male and female because it is the way that we have been brought up to think, but if we do a bit more research, we can see that there are more genders. In the Bugis society of Indonesia, there are five genders that are acknowledged which are the cisgender male, the cisgender female, and then we have the Bissu, the Calabai, and the Calalai. The term cisgender simply means that an individual's general experience of themselves as a male, for example, matches their physical sex as a male.

Now the terms sex and gender have been intertwined to be defined as relatively the same thing, but above, I mentioned that gender is more of a spectrum rather than a binary. Now when I describe gender, what I am describing is basically one's general experience of oneself as a male, or a female, but there are also people that describe their internal experience of themselves as feeling like something in between male and female, neither male nor female and / or something 'beyond' the male and female spectrum regardless of their physical sex.

Also, what interests me is that I realize, I have never been constant with my identity as a male meaning that my general experience of being a male has never been constant. There has always been a fluctuation which I have come to see, realize, and understand primarily, in my adulthood years -- by becoming more of aware of the internal sensations and experiences within myself regarding gender. For me personally, the fluctuation can shift from experiencing an intense 'maleness' experience of myself to a more indistinct experience depending on the person that I in the vicinity of and / or environment.

There is actually a gender identity for this called 'situational genderfluid'; so it is cool that there are other people out there that recognize these shifts within themselves, and label them as gender identities which I primarily use as references to different shifts and experiences that emerge within myself. Because we have to realize that each and every shift, movement, and / or pattern that emerges within ourselves is a part of us as an identity that we have the opportunity to understand in relation to why these particular patterns and shifts transpire within ourselves.

So getting back to my own internal sensations and experiences within myself regarding gender, I stated that these internal sensations and experiences can fluctuate from an intense 'maleness' experience of myself to a more indistinct experience depending on the person and / or environment. On the contrary if I am alone, there is a sense of stability, therefore, there no recognizable shifts, but that doesn't mean that there are no shifts occurring on deeper levels within myself, but that I am simply not aware of them happening. When I am around certain males, such as some older Caucasian males or African and African-American males contingent on the shape of their physical anatomy, there will be a shift towards a feminine experience with a perpetual indistinct masculine experience.

Here's a quote from Kate Bornstein, that personally for me, hits 'home' in relation to how we tend to change gender experiences from time-to-time.

"Well here's what I think: I think all of us do change our genders. All the time. Maybe it's not as dramatic as some tabloid headline screaming "She Was a He!" But we do, each of us, change our genders.  In response to each interaction we have with a new or different person, we subtly shift the kind of man or woman, boy or girl, or whatever gender we're being at the moment. We're usually not the same kind of man or woman with our love as we are with our boss or a parent. When we're introduced for the first time to someone we find attractive, we shift into being a different kind of man or woman than we are with our childhood friends. We all change our genders. I'm just saying it's time we knew exactly what we are doing and why."

So the quote by Kate Bornstein above is something that I realized I have done for the most part of my life, but really never been quite aware of this shifting in relation to gender experiences. I never even knew something like this could exist, but I realize how it does now that I look at it. I can see how I molded and shaped myself to be a certain way around both males and females that contributes to many parts of my personality and behavior.

With my mom, for instance, my 'male' experience shift into an experience of me being a college boy, and some of what contributes to this experience is wanting to please my mom to tacitly express to her that I am a growing and developing 'real' man. Around other females, this masculine experience would change into a different type of masculine experience that is a product of what I believe to be the male expression of what a female is attracted to. In church, this male expression would change into a different type of male expression that is even more heightened because of how I defined 'maleness' in relation to 'morality'.

Around males in general, there is a level of 'toughness' that I portray to cover up any signs of effeminacy, and so I will center myself more within my shoulders with my arms slightly more spread out as a way of tacitly expressing to other males that I am 'man' enough. So I can see here that what I am doing is suppressing parts of myself that I defined as 'feminine' so that I will not come off as 'weak' or 'frail', but within doing this, I am actually embodying the word 'weakness' and 'frailty' through an illusion of 'masculinity', and therefore, creating 'instability' within myself in relation to the 'feminine' expression which can contribute to experiences of gender fluidity between masculinity and femininity -- not saying this this IS the cause of gender fluidity, but is one dimension that can contribute to having a gender fluid experience. So in the next blog, I'd like to write some self-forgivenesses in relation to this point to go deeper in order to assess some of the deeper associations that contributed to my own gender-fluid experience.

The Gender Spectrum

So I was looking at the word 'non-binary' the other day in relation to gender, and according to a Gender Wiki that describes what 'non-binary' is, non-ninary genders are gender identities that don't fit within the accepted binary of male and female. For me, I think of 'gender' in itself like a sine wave with a line running in the middle that represents two polarities. On one end of the spectrum, you have the 'masculine male', and on the other end of the spectrum, you have the 'feminine female'. So one person may identify as a masculine male, which in the LGBT community is called a 'cisgendered' person. A 'cisgendered' male is a male that is aligned to their experience of themselves being a male. This goes the same with a female. A 'cisgendered' female is a female that is aligned to their experience of themselves being a female. So on the gender binary, they would be on the opposite ends of each other. Then you have all of the other 'genders' on the gender spectrum.

'Gender' is basically the GENeral experience of oneself DEtermining one's Reaction to the external world -- which differs from one's physical sex. One's physical sex will always be pretty much consistent such as male, female, intersex, or transsexual if one is physically transitioning using hormonal therapy. And it is this 'general experience' of oneself that can be 'infinite' in relation to the specific experience because the experience can change in intensity; it can change in its position on the gender spectrum, and it can go 'above' or 'below the gender polarity line which I represent as a sine wave. It can even have two points where, for instance, one point may be positioned relatively close to the 'masculine' position, and another point can be positioned slightly 'above' the gender spectrum near the 'feminine' position which would, for instance, represent feeling 'feminine', but at the same time feeling like something else other than 'feminine', but not quite 'masculine'. This would technically represent a gender identity called 'bigender' because of one point being positioned relatively close to the 'masculine' position, and the other point being positioned slightly 'above' the gender spectrum near the 'feminine' position, but the person may not 'feel' as though they want label themselves as that. So there are a lot of nuances involved with gender identity that are contingent on particular internal experiences.

So for me, it has been a long journey of trying to label what gender identity I am because of the position on the gender spectrum, and the intensity of that experience that changes all of the time. I can say that most of the time, there is a stable 'masculine' experience because I have lived as the definition of a 'man' and how I perceive that a 'man' should express himself, but I can say that the intensity and experience changes either unexpectedly, or depending on the situation or the thoughts at the time. Here in this blog, I'd like to explore the 'feelings' / 'experiences' of what constitutes the experience of having a 'gender identity'. And I would like to explore and challenge the 'feelings' that are attached to 'gender identity' through self-forgiveness. You can read my blog about self-forgiveness here to get a better understanding of the basis of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a 'feeling' to define me.

I commit myself to assess the internal feelings that I perceive as a 'gender identity', because I see, realize, and understand that when I try to identify a certain 'feeling' with a name, as a way of describing the structure of the feeling, I can also discern the content, and the memories that are attached to it that gives that 'feeling' its essence through my participation in it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my 'gender identity' is my general experience of myself that I have become most 'integrated' into (in my mind) on a physio-phsychological level, in relation to genetics, and / or through participating in a particular pattern (habit), for a tenacious (unyielding) period of time, that I have become that pattern which resonates an 'experience' that I perceive as a 'general experience' of myself, and that 'masculinity' and 'femininity' are just two 'general experiences' that are two of the most common and obvious out of a hodgepodge array.


I commit myself to assess deeper dimensions of myself that constitutes to patterns that I participate in on a daily basis, and assess the 'experience' / 'feelings' that I have connected to those patterns that can constitute to a 'general experience' of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special if I label myself as a specific gender identity such as 'bigender' or 'non-binary'.

I see, realize, and understand that when I depend on something 'separate' from me, such as 'gender', to give me an experience of being 'special', it is because of me wanting to inflate the value of my self-interests.

I see, realize, and understand that when I want to inflate the value of my self-interests, that that is all that I 'live' for, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding how the world works, and how I can contribute to being a 'vessel' that brings an 'awareness' to the world in a way that will assist and support someone in giving them a new perspective / outlook on 'life' and what it means to take responsibility for oneself and one's actions.

I commit myself to release myself from my self-interests through speaking and writing self-forgivenesses which are 'blueprints' in the form of 'words' as 'declarations' of self-change.

I commit myself to expand myself by understanding what contributes to the things that I 'like' and the things that I do not 'like' because I see, realize, and understand how I use what I 'like' and what I don't like to create my 'ego' which becomes patterns of self-interests that I use to keep me 'victimized' to 'feelings' that are 'seeds' of what creates and reinforces my experiences to what I 'like' and what I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to define myself as something other than 'male' in order to be happy.

I see, realize, and understand how I can live an 'experience' physically and eventually become tired of that experience because of it not giving me the pleasureful 'feelings' that I perceive that the experience once offered me, and how this becomes a pattern throughout my life of living a life like a vampire that defines life based on a 'feelings' that becomes my 'lifeblood' of 'satisfaction' and 'fulfillment'. I see, realize, and understand how all other parts of life that are not defined within 'feelings' or, essentially, do not provide me with a stimulated 'response' to it are essentially 'ignored' and 'ostracized' because of how I integrated myself more within the fabric of 'feelings' and 'stimulation', and I see, realize, and understand how me creating a habit of researching the nuances of gender identity, and trying to 'match' my internal 'feelings' with a gender-orientated word becomes a 'representation' of this mind-fuck because of it being something done from the starting-point of wanting to feel 'more complete' about myself as an individual with a word that is an 'external', structural representation that describes my 'internal' experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that an experience cannot offer me 'pleasure', but that it is me projecting my 'internal responses' / 'reaction' to 'experiences' that, thus, creates the 'illusion' that the 'experience' itself is offering me 'pleasure' because of how I diminished myself to 'experiences' instead of directing experiences self-honestly.

I see, realize, and understand that when I do not direct experiences, I am 'dishonest'.

I commit myself to -- when I use words to define a 'feeling' as a way of giving it more 'structure' and 'comprehensibility' -- to use that word to assess deeper dimensions of myself that is responsible for creating the essence and expression of the word I chose to represent the 'feeling' and internal responses.

I commit myself to assess what all in my life I have 'missed' due to me 'ignoring' or not wanting to explore a part of me or a part of life because of it not giving me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally 'stimulates' me.

I commit myself to assess why is it that I 'blame' the things that do not give me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally stimulates me.

I commit myself to take responsibility to stop blaming the things in life that do not give me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally stimulates me, by assessing its value that can assist me in expanding my outlook in my life, and expanding my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how blame comprises of a modest (small) amount of anger, and how that modest amount of anger is covered up by things and people that 'stimulate' me, and how that modest amount of anger that resides within the point of 'blame' is reinforced every time that I accept and allow myself to exist in a pattern of being stimulated by something or someone instead of stopping or slowing myself down in that moment to really see, realize, and understand the nature of stimulated experience, and why it has become a point of conciliation (pacification) to cover up my qualm (uneasiness) to 'reality'.

I will continue in the next blog.......

Jar Full O' Gender Patterns SF

Here in this blog, I am continuing with the blog called 'Jar Full O' Gender Patterns' with some self-forgivenesses. You can read my blog about self-forgiveness here to get a better understanding of the 'use' of self-forgiveness. In the previous blog, I mentioned my realization in relation to how I judged 'masculinity' as 'limited', and desired to 'expand' masculinity by adding 'feminine' elements to my 'masculine' expression by taking the concept of 'toughness' as a perceived 'masculine' trait, and 'testing' it out by embracing 'femininity'. As a 'man', I believed that a man shouldn't 'resist' embracing 'femininity' because that resistance in itself means that the man is not representing that 'toughness' attribute that makes a man a 'man', and so embracing femininity is one thing that I did in my life to 'expand' and 'diversify' my 'masculine' expression. And one way that I embraced 'femininity' is through cross-dressing -- which is wearing clothes of the opposite gender. I realize that there are a myriad of reasons that contributed to my point of cross-dressing, but this would be one reason. What I didn't realize though is how 'masculinity' and 'femininity' are limited to, predominantly, behavioral patterns, and the clothing that define what a 'male' and a 'female' is, and here, I will start the self-forgiveness process to expand on this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'strutting' within walking as a 'masculine expression'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the distancing of arms slightly from the rest of the physical body, and concomitant with the act of sticking the chest out as a 'masculine expression'.

I commit myself to collapse all definitions and judgments of something / someone being 'masculine' or 'feminine' from the perspective of defining / judging them based on how I perceive 'masculinity' and 'femininity' to be, and instead, use 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as 'references' rather than absolute 'labels' that I assign to something / someone (including myself).

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I am 'challenging' when I 'challenge' the perceived 'nature' of 'masculinity' are all of the different patterns and behaviors that contribute to what and how I define masculinity as, and when I challenge 'masculinity' with 'femininity', by adopting certain 'feminine' patterns and expressions, that this 'challenges' the patterns and behaviors of 'masculinity', but perpetuates the total 'programming' of what I perceive 'gender identity' to be, and so thus, remain 'locked' in and as the 'matrix' of gender identity, which I will also indirectly facilitate the 'evolution' thereof (which is the evolution of gender identity, and all of the consequences that are related to gender identity such as misogynism, rape, gender inequality, feminism, etc.).

I commit myself to when I 'challenge' something, to challenge the entire foundation of it instead of only parts of it because I realize that when I only challenge a part of something, that this is actually self-manipulation, and not done from a starting-point of self-honesty, but rather, done from the point of wanting to keep parts of it so I can still have a 'back door' of participation in it which will create 'consequence' instead of actual 'change' and 'stability'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that wearing a 'pink shirt' is more of a 'feminine' expression.

I commit myself to collapse my definition of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' so I can clearly see, realize, and understand my reason for defining something as 'masculine' or 'feminine', and to from that 'seeing', correct my starting-point as a way of making sure that my reason for defining something as being 'masculine' or 'feminine' is not done out of a 'fear' or an 'embarrassment', but is done just as a 'reference' instead of a 'label'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define or judge what I do or what I 'wear' as a 'masculine' or 'feminine' expression, and desire to be praised for what I 'do' or what I 'wear' so that I can be 'validated' as being a man that 'correctly' expresses 'masculinity' or being a female that 'correctly' expresses 'femininity' to be able to 'fit in' with what is 'most acceptable' in society' so that I do not get ostracized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear clothes that have been assigned a 'masculine' or 'feminine' role and to adopt either a 'masculine' or a 'feminine' behavior to be 'validated by others so that I do not get 'ostracized' by society.

I commit myself to ask myself what am I not giving to myself from the perspective that I have to go out and 'dress' or 'act' a certain way in order to feel 'validated'.

I commit myself to expose the 'programming', which are the experiences, the words, the behaviors, the reactions, etc. that constitutes to me hiding myself behind a 'personality-suit' that constantly has to be 'validated' to have an 'acceptable expression'. I commit myself bring that 'consistent expression' out of myself which is that 'self' that never has to 'change' when interacting with other people by learning how to 'accept' myself and learning how to see all of the self-judgements that I have put up that constitutes to the 'product' of the 'personality-suits' that I 'act out' in self-diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the 'softness' that a female attributes to a 'feminine' expression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'softness' that a female attributes is a word that I use to describe the fat-distribution of a female compared to a male's fat-distribution of human adipose tissue, and the experience of 'attraction' that I attached to the way that a female's fat-distribution creates the overall shape of their body.

I commit myself to when I am defining something, such as a female body part to realize that the most effective way of defining something is to touch it, and if I do not have access to touching it, find access to it or use my own body parts, and describe the 'feel' (or texture) of it directly. I see, realize, and understand that when I touch my own body parts, it is rather more 'springy' than 'soft'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'softness' that a female attributes is also a product of my attraction to a female's physical body that gets projected into a female's physical behavior that makes it seem as though the female has 'elegance' and 'beauty' in the way they 'move' or express themselves instead of realizing that this 'gracefulness' is a projection of my experience of 'attraction' to a female that emanates an 'attraction-experience' that I define as 'soft'.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the experience of 'attraction' to females because I realize how the experience of attraction can create ideas that then gets attached to physical behavior which then inflates that physical behavior in my mind as something that is 'special'. I commit myself to when and as there is a feeling of attraction emerging within myself to, instead of going into my mind to perpetuate it, to see how those feelings move in my physical body to gain an awareness of how feelings (which is energy) moves within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself realize that my desire to incorporate 'softness' within 'masculinity' is my desire to have that same experience of 'attraction' to myself that I have with females by making myself resemble a female, and using that experience of 'attraction' to myself as a 'measurement' of how effective I can make myself 'look female' which will create a sense of how well I have 'integrated' the 'feminine' expression into myself.

I commit myself to stop using 'feelings' as a 'measurement' of something to prove my 'like' or 'dislike' of it / them.

I commit myself to stop making decisions based on my 'likes' or 'dislikes' about something / someone, and to start making decisions from the starting-point of 'weighing decisions', and choosing a decision that will be most 'beneficial' to the situation.

I see, realize and understand that 'fashion' is a product of 'gender identity' and social culture.

I commit myself to stop trying to validate myself contingent on what the 'trending' fashion is at the moment.

I will continue in future blogs....

Jar Full O' Gender Patterns

One thing that I always wanted to do in my life was to be 'more' of a man, and I didn't like the way that being 'more' of a man was presented as in my life such as, for instance, having more of a 'strut' in your walk which is walking with a lofty proud manner of walking, and often in an attempt to impress others. Other ways that 'being a man' is presented as that gives the definition of 'masculinity' some 'validation' is, for instance, distancing your arms slightly from the rest of your physical body and sticking your chest out as a way of showing 'strength'. These have all become physical expressions of 'masculinity'.

In my mind, I've always liked to challenge the perceived 'nature' of 'masculinity'. To me, the physical and mental expressions of what masculinity is is what I found limiting because if a man is not constantly expressing these particular standards of what defines a man as a 'man', then that man is questioned or 'resisted'.

For example, one standard that does not completely align to masculinity would be wearing a pink shirt. For me, there were plenty of times where I have worn a pink shirt in the past and have gotten many neutral and 'positive' remarks both from males and females because over the years, pink has been a color that has been consistenly worn by females, and because the color pink is a color that has been consistently worn by females over time, the color pink will more align to the definition of what comprises 'femininity' rather than masculinity.

Another expression that more aligns to the definition and culture of 'femininity' is the word 'soft', and one attribute that supports the word 'soft' to be aligned to the definition and culture of 'femininity' is the texture of females' skin which has the appearance and the 'feel' of 'softness' compared to a male's appearance and 'feel' of their skin. Although, the texture of males' skin are also relatively soft, one thing that can contribute to the appearance and texture of males' skin appearing more 'rough' is the amount of body hair on a male, the muscles, and the hair follicles which make the skin appear to have a rougher texture.

So I took this definition of 'softness' and played with it. I wanted to expand the definition of masculinity by incorporating the word 'softness' as an attribute of masculinity which is 'naturally' an attribute of femininity, and one way that I did this was for instance, shaving my legs to have an appearance of 'soft' skin, wearing makeup to have an appearance of a 'soft', smooth face, wearing clothing that are advertised for females, and changing the way that I physically move (predominantly only done when wearing clothes that are advertised for females) to more 'graceful' movements such as the swaying of the hands, and incorporating what is called the 'limp wrist' as a physical gesture.

So I began changing the definition of masculinity as a person who expresses both 'masculine' and 'feminine' characteristics believing that: 1) challenging the definition of what a man is is 'facing' the 'natural resistances' that men commonly resist in a man that is not consistently aligning to the 'normal' standards of what it means to be a 'man', and 2) incorporating characteristics that are not normally aligned to the standards and the definition of what a 'man' is, such as incorporating standards of the definition of 'femininity' for example, will make the man a more 'well-rounded' man.

So within this, I didn't realize what I was actually doing, and what I am actually doing is creating an illusion of expanding the definition of what a man is because I realize that the definition of what a man is cannot exist in patterns, and this is what I was reacting to which are the patterns that define a man. The patterns of what a 'man' is are defined within what 'masculinity' is / has been defined as which are the things I stated earlier such as: having more of a 'strut' in your walk which is walking with a lofty proud manner of walking, and often in an attempt to impress others, and distancing your arms slightly from the rest of your physical body along with sticking your chest out as a way of showing 'strength'. These have all actually become physical patterns of 'masculinity' rather than real expressions, and these physical patterns of 'masculinity' are copied by most men in the world. What happens is that a 'value' is created to these patterns, and the man becomes diminished by them thinking that the patterns are what makes a man a 'man' when they are just patterns (like puzzle pieces) that men have put together over time which other men duplicate to create the 'idea' of what 'masculinity' is. This goes the same for females.

So what I was doing in my life within that phase was expanding the definition of 'masculinity' by merging both 'masculine' and 'feminine' patterns into me, and thinking that if I 'merge' them together I will be 'more' of a man, but these patterns are not really 'masculine' patterns nor 'feminine' patterns. They are just patterns of physical behaviors, physical appearance, physical gestures, words, sounds, etc. that have been adopted and expressed by males and females. I mean, virtually anyone can 'act' like a 'man' or a 'woman' by, for example, putting your hand on your hips. This motion has been adopted as more of a 'feminine' gesture, but anyone can do it. It's not that a man cannot. The problem is, again, the 'value' that has been attached to it, and what is this 'value'?

Well first, imagine that you have a jar that is shaped like the physical body of a male. Put all of the physical behaviors, the physical appearances of what comprises a 'male' (such as 'short' hair), the physical gestures, the words, sounds, etc. that has been defined as 'masculine' into that jar, and see them as puzzle pieces. The 'value' is seeing that 'jar', for example, as something 'sacred', and so imagine that you 'add' the 'feminine' gesture of putting your hand on your hips as a 'puzzle piece' into to the same jar, and then placing the jar into a 'safe' to 'protect' it from being 'destroyed' because of the belief that if it's destroyed, then it will destroy your entire identity of the 'who you are' that you created yourself to be (which is all of the puzzle pieces in that jar that represents what a 'man' is).

So this is 'essentially' what most people are doing (which is creating a 'value' to a 'jar' that represents their 'masculine' or 'feminine' expression. The only difference is that for me, what I did was not only have a 'jar' of 'masculine' patterns, but what I did was instead of adding different 'feminine' patterns into the same jar, I created my gender identity to be more 'bigendered' rather than 'androgynous' meaning that I created an 'extra' jar that is shaped like a female, placed various 'feminine' patterns into that jar, and kept the 'masculine jar' and 'feminine jar' separate most of the time, and merged both jars at times, into one which was projected into and as the 'expression' of 'cross-dressing'. But all of these expressions on the spectrum of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' are essentially the same because they all use the same patterns; they are just switched around, shifted, exchanged, manipulated, amended, etc. So in the next blog, I will write some self-forgivenesses, and then look at redefining 'masculinity' and 'femininity'.