My allocation point of cross-dressing is what I will be
talking about here. The allocation point is simply how I experienced cross-dressing
within my life. Was I the ‘giver’ or the ‘receiver’ of it — meaning did I
in-fact instigate it, or did I only do it as a consequence to a previous
‘experience’ — that created / established the blueprints for an as the
‘experience’ / ‘desire’ to cross-dress.
Within cross-dressing, I was always the receiver because
it wasn’t something that I directively decided to do. I decided to cross-dress
based on ‘experiences’ that aligned to and as ‘consequences’ that played out as
cross-dressing. In my younger years, I had heterogeneous thoughts about
cross-dressing, but it was never something as per me wanting to change my whole
gender identity from male to female. One of the thoughts that came up in my
younger years was a thought one night about me wanting to know how it would be
like as a man
to have an appearance like Barbie. This thought played out as the desire in my
life to see / be a man, but with a feminine appearance. But it was never
something that was in the ‘front’ of my thoughts as a primary relationship that
I ‘prioritized’ in my life in the earlier years. This point only became a
primary relationship when I actually cross-dressed for the first time. The
feeling that I experienced when cross-dressing for the first time was like
‘water’ flowing from the top of my head and slowing down to my feet. I defined
it as a ‘wonderful’ experience. It was like being bathed in a shower of water
that I identified as ‘feminine’ energy. So from that point I became fascinated
with cross-dressing. I began buying all of the accessories to make me look and
feel ‘feminine’. I would, periodically when cross-dressing, want to go back to
my ‘normal’ appearance, so I only remained in cross-dress-mode for so long
because that ‘feminine’ feeling / energy that I ‘experienced’ when
cross-dressing was never ‘permanent’. I would intermittently throughout my mid
20s have the desire for that ‘feminine feeling’ again, so it would be an intermittent
routine like taking drugs to get that blissful / feminine ‘experience’. It
wouldn’t be as profound as the first time / experience, but it would be
perceptible nevertheless. There are several different allocation points for and
as the starting point for cross-dressing that I can think of — and I was pretty
much on the ‘receiver’ end of all of them meaning that it was formed / created
/ lived as a ‘consequence’ rather than a directive principle. And if we look at
the word ‘receive’ in the dictionary, the word ‘receive’ means to experience as
a reaction. Thus, all reactions are really in-fact consequences. To be and
become the directive principle of cross-dressing in self-honesty would entail
that I am not in-fact existing within and as a ‘relationship’ to and as
cross-dressing as that ‘relationship’ is / becomes the ‘entity’ that drives my
desire for cross-dressing / to cross-dress. Authentic / real cross-dressing is
when there is no desire for / to cross-dress. It would be thus, an expression
of who I am in equality and oneness. Thus, if I do not know in exact detail how
I originated the point of cross-dressing, then I am not standing equal to and
one with my own mind within and as cross-dressing, but allowing me to exist
within and as ‘experience’ / ‘relationship’ / ‘consequence’ to, as, and for
cross-dressing.
As a child, me and my brother used to play around with
beach balls. These beach balls were approximately 12 inches in diameter. We
would put them under our shirt to make it look as though we have breasts, and
then bump each others’ chest really hard like rams when wrestling. So it was
really a point of joking around back then. I also remember in my youth
sometimes trying on / putting socks under my shirt sometimes out of curiosity
to see what I’d look like in the mirror.
Growing up, I desired my childhood experiences back, and
one of the reasons for cross-dressing is to ‘mirror’ my childhood experiences.
I wanted to ‘perfect’ the point of putting ‘socks’ under my shirt because of
the curiosity for and as how it would be like to look like / be / feel like a
female. It was like a point of finishing what I started as a child in being /
becoming / manifesting that ‘desire’ to ‘know’ how it would be like to look
like / be / feel like a female because now I am an adult with money. Thus, this
point was a point of fulfillment — placing myself back into and as the past
‘here’, and thus living out / manifesting a desire as a ‘curiosity’ because I
defined myself as the integrity / totality of the past ‘here’ in that moment of
making a decision to buy ‘female’ attire at the thrift store (which is where I
went to buy the attire). What I bought initially was a full black dress made of
velvet. Velvet was an externalization of how I perceived ‘femininity’ as — black
as ‘power’ / ‘superiority’ and the material (velvet) as soft and smooth. So I
went to the thrift store and initially bought a dress only. Later I ‘upgraded’
with other female accessories such as a bra, and socks — which I upgraded to
silicone-shaped breasts, which I then upgraded to breasts made out of stocking
and rice — to give it the ‘feel’ of breasts. I also bought wigs, stockings,
make-up and the whole ‘nine-yards’. This point of cross-dressing was the
embodiment / manifestation / completion of the ‘past’ as the fulfillment of /
as the ‘curiosity’ that I felt.
Another ‘experience’ that I had in relation to
‘femininity’ / ‘gender’ is when I was in the third grade on a field trip at a
swimming pool gym. We’d go to the swimming gym every week or so to learn how to
swim. While learning how to swim, I feared the water because I feared ‘death’.
I feared drowning, thus, this point of fear played out physically within and as
all of my swimming lessons / practices. One day, my swimming teacher poured
water over my head and told me to swim with the girls because I had a fear to
go underneath the water to float for about one minute — which was one of the
swimming exercises that we were obliged to do. The boys and girls were on
opposite ends of the pool. The boys were on the left when entering the swimming
room, and the girls were on the right. When the water splashed on my face, I
started yelling and crying — which then afterwards, was when my swimming
teacher informed me to swim with the girls. Thus, I went over with the females
as told, and when going over to the females’ section, I experienced a
comfortability being over there. I felt more ‘free’ as a male — within my
physical movements / body expression because as a male, I would feel this
constriction most of the time to keep up my ‘masculinity’ / masculine identity
as this ‘toughness’ that males present themselves to be.
Now looking at another point is the superficial design of
and as Caucasian males’ faces, and other males’ and females’ facial shapes, and
forms. I realize then when I look at older Caucasian males, there is a point
within me, wherein I desire an experience of ‘letting go’ my masculinity / male
composure based on ‘comparison’ — comparing my physical form to that of the
Caucasian males’ physical form. This point came from and of the past — when
Caucasian males used to have black / African slaves for their self-interested
purposes. This ‘letting go’ would be a representation of a ‘respect’ that is
formed between me and Caucasian males. Thus, the point of the desire to
cross-dress for this reason is a representation of / as the ‘letting go’ of me
within the ‘tension’ between the relationship between me and Caucasian males
that I created from the thoughts existent within me as ‘back-chat’ of / as how
I have not ‘let-go’ of the point of slavery in the past — even though I wasn’t
involved in those experiences in the past as being a ‘slave’.
Within and as the design of other males’ and females’
faces that doesn’t fit the specific kind of Caucasian males’ faces that I
connected to / within the ‘slavery days’ I realize that the more masculine the
structure / appearance / shape / form of the face, the more submissive that I
may present myself as, and the more feminine the structure / appearance / shape
/form of the face, the more masculine that I may present myself as
subconsciously. This, in seeing, realizing, and understanding how I, in my life
change, subsconsciously-unconsciously as my thoughts / thinking-patterns and my
physical movements to / towards a male and a female — as see females more
‘easier’ to talk to and males more ‘difficult’ to talk to — on a subtle level.
There is another point of me cross-dressing that doesn’t
tie in to submissiveness as the primary relationship of / as me, but more of compensating
to make myself experience being equally and one both male and female in
relationship with myself. Within my life, I came to the point that I believed
that I would never acquire a female because I’d always accrue bad luck at
having a relationship with a female. Thus, what I did initially was create
imaginary females to be in relationship with. These imaginary females, though,
was not fulfilling the physical dimension of the relationship, thus what I did
was up the game of getting the ‘energy’ that I desired from females within
myself. So I manifested ‘cross-dressing’ to have that ability to get that
‘feminine’ energy within myself.
Here I am investigating the point of cross-dressing which
consists of having a look at all of the information that I gathered about
cross-dressing, and thus how I lived it out in my world and reality. And also,
it is to see, realize, and understand how the world has lived it out also in
relation to how I lived it out. After gathering this information, we can sum it
up by having a look at the positive and negative polarity charge. Was
cross-dressing in-fact more of a ‘positive’ experience, or was it in-fact more
of a ‘negative’ experience? To begin, I realize that within my latter 20s, when
I started to ‘live out’ cross-dressing as a physical experience, I did it for
about three times a week. I perceived myself as being more ‘happier’ when
cross-dressing because it felt ‘more like me’, but the reason that I was
feeling more like ‘me’ was because I was simply getting / accruing both the masculine
and feminine ‘energies’ that I desired for a moment. If we have a look at
sex, what is it that we’re doing? We’re becoming equal and one as both for a
moment — both masculine and feminine because why does a male desire a female?
It is based on the females’ anatomy / psychology / energetics as a whole —
wherein, as males, we want to have / accrue that energy within us to make us
feel fulfilled / complete within and as ‘orgasm. Thus, every man within this
point is in-fact a cross-dresser / transgender — from the perspective of
wanting that female energy as part of them within sex. Thus because of my lack
of experiencing sex within desire, I inverted that desire within myself within
and as cross-dressing — which was like having sex with my own self, lol —
because when I put ‘women’s clothes’ on my body, I would feel this
‘pleasurable’ experience that I related to / as / like an orgasm. Thus to
conclude this point, the positive experience would be the ‘orgasmic sensation’
that I would feel / experience, and the negative experience would be not having
any ‘luck’ at acquiring / accruing a female that I desired for sex (without any
dire consequences). Thus also within this, I could see that I feared death
because I feared living out possible / potential consequences.
Another point of investigation is the point of existing
within comfortability within cross-dressing as an illusion of ‘freedom’.
Cross-dressing became that point of defined ‘freedom’ as it was a ‘mirror’ of
who were are, and what we’re participating in and as — as ‘humanity’. As a
humanity, as a whole, we are participating in and as, and allowing ‘separation’
to as our infrastructure that has been defined as life / living. Thus this
definition of ‘freedom’ within cross-dressing would be a point of using that
which is ‘real’ as different kinds of fabric to support / live out that which
is not real — which is my illusion / belief of and as ‘freedom’ from ‘control’.
Most of the world sees cross-dressing as something that
is ‘wrong’ / ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ — which is / has become an entity of and as
‘control’, but in-fact, the world as a whole cross-dresses everyday — dressing
up into and as ‘characters’ in order to fit someone else’s character to make
them ‘feel good’ / ‘pleasured’ / ‘happy’ — because if we don’t present to them
the character that they ‘expect’, then the whole relationship changes. Which is
why through cross-dressing, the whole relationship of a male changes against
most of the other males’ personalities — if one male was to cross-dress in
front of all of the other males — because the ‘masculine’ illusion that most
males would be representing within this point would no longer being ‘fed’ /
supported / honored / empowered within and as that one individual male who is
not expressing the illusion of ‘masculinity’ within their behavior / attitude /
attire (when and as playing the role of a cross-dresser or defying their
masculinity in another fashion / sense / style), thus, one becomes an ‘outcast’
/ ‘disrespected / ‘dishonored’ because they are not presenting the ‘character’
of a ‘male’ as ‘masculine’. So what is in-fact the difference between the
‘cross-dressing character’ and the ‘characters’ as the — personalities / masks
that we portray to each other everyday? The only difference is the presentation
of them — one presenting itself within and through ‘fabric’, and the other
presenting themselves within and through the mind as ‘personalities’ /
behaviors. Thus, until we realize who we are in equality and oneness to
ourselves, and each other, cross-dressing will always be a consequence because
it simply follows the nature of the individual program, and the system program.
Note: Read Earth’s Journey to Life blogs
about Redefining
Words for a better understanding of allocation and investigation of a specific word or topic that is being written about….
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all of my experiences that I experience are a regurgitation of the past that are memories that I re-member / assemble together in the form of a 'character' -- as the portrayal of who I WAS in previous experiences that I believe I am expressing as the REAL ME 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the collection / aggregate of all of my experiences together from childhood to adulthood -- of which those experiences together formed the 'adulthood character' as the PORTRAYAL of who I am as the collection of EXPERIENCES that I participated in from my childhood years to my adulthood years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the collection / aggregate of all of my experiences from age 0 to age 7 -- to believe that the 'younger me' was more authentic because it wasn't defined with all of the collection of experiences that I as the 'adulthood character' experience -- of which all of the experiences from ages of 0 to 7 formed the 'childhood character' as the
PORTRAYAL of who I was as the collection of EXPERIENCES that I
participated in as a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself -- as the 'childhood character' become excited by other characters in my world and reality that PORTRAYED what it's like to be a female by putting beach balls under their shirt, thus, imitate this portrayal by putting a red beach ball and a soccer ball under my blue-colored shirt as a child in my room with a bed when entering on the left side, another bed at the far back side with the head on the left side sitting horizontally near a window at the foot of the bed, and a dresser on the far right side near a closet on the right side sitting on the same side of a television with walls that were colored white.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as a child, think about what it would be like for me to be like a male version of Barbie, as I pictured myself with breasts, and long dark hair with a long torso, and a reddish dress, and say to myself that I would like to be this as an adult -- not realizing that Barbie is simply a character -- playing the role of what femininity represents as how society has defined a femininity as. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that we as a society has projected our ideas into clothes / fabric -- as we gave it a ROLE so we can act out our characterizations as 'male' and 'female' -- not seeing, realizing and understanding that a dress didn't desire express itself into and as 'femininity' and a wife-beater didn't desire express itself into and as 'masculinity', but that we as 'humanity' wanted to express our CHARACTERS / IDEAS in those traits which would give them their perceived 'expression'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as an adult character, desire my childhood character by going to the store and buying fabric that has been defined as feminine based on how we as a society judged different fabrics' texture and color -- from a starting-point of wanting to bring back that day when I placed two balls under my shirt -- because I defined the 'childhood character' as more 'superior' based on how I perceived the childhood character as more 'pure' because of the number of experiences in comparison to the number of experiences as an adult, thus, see me as the childhood personality as more 'real' / authentic -- thus, the act of desiring to cross-dress is to return back to that time of and as my perceived 'purity' as a child, and / as my perceived 'freedom' from the parasite of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as an adult character, desire my childhood character by going to the store and buying fabric that has been defined as feminine based on how we as a society judged different fabrics' texture and color -- from a starting-point of how we see ourselves, thus, defining the external reality of textures and colors -- based on our internal reality / nature as what we have become -- as limited characters on a set called the mind which has been defined as life / living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as an adult character, desire my childhood character by going to the store and buying fabric that has been defined as feminine based on how we as a society judged different fabrics' texture and color -- from a starting-point of wanting to bring back that day when I placed two balls under my shirt -- because I defined the 'childhood character' as more 'superior' based on how I perceived the childhood character as more 'pure' because of the number of experiences in comparison to the number of experiences as an adult, thus, see me as the childhood personality as more 'real' / authentic -- thus, the act of desiring to cross-dress is to return back to that time of and as my perceived 'purity' as a child, and / as my perceived 'freedom' from the parasite of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as an adult character, desire my childhood character by going to the store and buying fabric that has been defined as feminine based on how we as a society judged different fabrics' texture and color -- from a starting-point of how we see ourselves, thus, defining the external reality of textures and colors -- based on our internal reality / nature as what we have become -- as limited characters on a set called the mind which has been defined as life / living.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my cross-dressing character comes from the collection of ideas based on how females have described and portrayed their qualities of the 'idea' of femininity within and as the clothes that they wear -- giving those clothes a perceived 'expression' of femininity while all the while, the essence of all clothes are simply different fabrics of colors and textures, but have been sewn / molded / created certain ways to please our characterizations / portrayals of each other based on the ideas of how our parents believed themselves to be as the 'ideas' reenacting the 'past', and thus, regurgitating their ideas upon us, as we began to accept those ideas as 'reality'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'limited' being a male based on how I defined myself as a male as 'boring' based on the 'desire' for MORE OF ME which I believed that in order to acquire that MORE OF ME status, I have to step out of my character as 'masculinity' -- into and as a different character -- as 'femininity' -- thus within this, not see, realize, and understand that stepping out of one character into another is NOT REAL -- because my character as a collection of opinions that create the definition of 'masculinity' isn't real, and a female's character as a collection of opinions that create the definition of 'femininity' isn't real either -- and so when there are no different types of fabric to support the characterization of femininity and masculinity, but instead only white robes for everyone, then we as male and female are forced to step out of our characters into and as REALITY which was always 'here' covered up by IDEAS.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'less' than -- as a male -- because I created IDEAS about what a male is, and some of those ideas I created by and as the 'image' of a male through 'clothes', thus believe that I can be MORE OF myself by not only wearing clothes that have been created into and as the IDEA that they are 'male' clothes, but also, by the IDEA that if I wear clothes that have been created into and as the IDEA of 'female' clothes, I will be MORE OF myself, and thus be 'happy' -- because I defined 'happiness' within 'fabric' -- instead of realizing that ludicrousness of placing 'happiness' within 'fabric', and that if it is not a physical happiness that I can actually touch, through the fabric, then it is not real. Thus, I am simply projecting IDEAS onto that which is in-fact 'real'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'search' for my 'feminine-side' into and as clothes / make-up -- instead of realizing that I am simply stepping into / wearing an 'idea' of what femininity and masculinity represents, and to see, realize, and understand what is it within me 'internally' that I am not giving myself -- to create an external 'desire' for and as wanting to express' femininity' -- what is it that I am not giving myself within all of the female attributes, and why is it that I am allowing myself to be / become a CHARACTER trying to BREAK FREE from other characters -- while all the while I am simply validating both me as a 'character' and society as a 'character' PORTRAYING each others ideas as who we are 'real'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a dress as feminine, thus within this definition, step into an IDEA of femininity as I change my 'character' to 'fit' a 'feminine' swagger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define make-up as feminine, thus within this definition, step into an IDEA of femininity as I change my 'character' to 'fit' a 'feminine' swagger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the color pink as feminine, thus within this definition, step into an IDEA of femininity as I change my 'character' to 'fit' a 'feminine' swagger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the wife-beater as masculine, thus within this definition, step into an IDEA of masculinity as I change my 'character' to 'fit' a 'masculine' swagger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the color blue as masculine, thus within this definition, step into an IDEA of masculinity as I change my 'character' to 'fit' a 'masculine' swagger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to exist as the ‘receiver’ in and as relationships because of the ‘belief’ that
I am an ‘effect’ of relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to, within cross-dressing, be / become / remain the ‘receiver’ because, I
didn’t take self-responsibility to direct myself within and as my life in my
experiences, and thus, become the effect of my own thoughts, feelings, and
emotions as ‘experiences’ of relationships that I created which succeedingly
created the ‘desire’ for and as ‘cross-dressing’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to decide to cross-dress based on ‘experiences’ that aligned to and as
‘consequences’ that played out as cross-dressing — instead of realizing that
this decision is in-fact bound by time as ‘consequence’, and thus, the
‘expression’ thereof — is an expression of / as self-dishonesty because how can
I in-fact be self-honest, and create what is ‘best for all’ if I am holding on
to consequence as a ‘character’ of me portraying something that I believe I am
deciding to do when in-fact, it was just an ‘outflow’ of an influence?
In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to decide to cross-dress based on my experience of me as a child
having a curiosity to know what it would ‘feel’ like with breasts by putting
socks under my shirt — thus, seeing, realizing, and understanding that my
reason for cross-dressing thus took on the consequential outflow of curiosity
and fulfillment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to be / become ‘curious’ of how it is to be the opposite sex, thus within this,
seeing, realizing, and understanding that within this, I made the relationship
to curiosity ‘more-than’ based on how I perceived the moment of ‘here’ as
‘less-than’, thus, playing out a relationship that if I was existing within and
as a ‘more-than’ status that I can be / become ‘fulfilled’ within that moment
to become ‘MORE
OF‘ me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to decide to cross-dress based on my experience of being in the third grade,
and how I experienced myself as ‘more free’ around females — because I have
accepted and allowed myself to ‘control’ my own self — based on the belief that
I should express myself as ‘masculine’ everywhere I go — within having a ‘deep’
voice, and a physical swagger of a male as: head straight, back straight,
shoulders up, no switching of the hips from side-to-side, no hands on the hips,
no limp wrists, walk with arms moving in a forward and backward circular
motion, elbows slightly bent — with the front hand swaying near the
front-center of the body with hand clenched, and the back hand swaying near the
back-center of the body with hand clenched to create the impression of
toughness, and no smiling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect masculinity to keeping the head straight while walking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define keeping the head straight while walking to masculinity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect masculinity to keeping the back straight while walking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define keeping the back straight while walking to masculinity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect masculinity to keeping the shoulders up while walking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define keeping the shoulders up while walking to masculinity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect masculinity to keeping the chest out while walking and standing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define keeping the chest out while walking and standing to masculinity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that it is a ‘no-no’ as a man to switch the hips from side-to-side.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that it is a ‘no-no’ as a man to put your hands on your hips.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that it is a ‘no-no’ as a man to have ‘limp wrists’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect masculinity to walking with your arms moving in a forward and backward
circular motion, with the elbows slightly bent — and the front hand swaying
near the front-center of the body with the hand clenched, and the back hand
swaying near the back-center of the body with the hand clenched to create the
impression of toughness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define walking with your arms moving in a forward and backward circular
motion, with the elbows slightly bent — and the front hand swaying near the
front-center of the body with the hand clenched, and the back hand swaying near
the back-center of the body with the hand clenched to masculinity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to control
me as how I believe a man should be, and thus, react to men that are not
following the ‘principle’ / character of how a man should be based on my belief
— of which I thus create a reaction within me because I controlled / defined
myself to only exist a certain way (as masculinity) to remain in the ‘lie’ as
the character that I portray to others everyday.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that it is a ‘no-no’ as a man to smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to decide to cross-dress based on my physical race as being ‘black’ — as I
judge myself as a ‘black man as ‘less-than’, and thus, when an older ‘white’
man looks at me, I connect the way that he looks at me to and as ‘respect’ —
respecting me for being once ‘less-than’ / submissive / a ‘slave’ to the
‘white’ man — which I projected within and as ‘cross-dressing’ as an
‘amplification’ of how me as the mind ‘feels’ around certain types of ‘older’
white men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to, in my younger years, have random thoughts about cross-dressing because of
‘curiosity’ — of which I allow me as the mind to allocate itself of trying to
find different characters / personalities that I can live as — what I then
brainwash myself to believe that it is my ‘expression’ since childhood.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to become curious of/as how it would be like as a man to have an appearance
like Barbie — because of how I perceived ‘Barbie’ as ‘more-than’ based on her
softness expression and/as her pictured-presentation. Thus within this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my
pictured-presentation as a male as ‘less-than’, and to believe that if I had a
pictured-presentation of Barbie, that I will be ‘more-than’, and can do more
things, but everything that I do will be just for ‘attention’ within a system
wherein all attention is there to support the system in ways of self-interest,
and can never be receiving attention that is best for all, but solely based on
how I defined myself to exist as within that ‘getting of attention’ to support
my character of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to play a thought out as a ‘desire’ in my life to see / be a man, but with a
feminine appearance — because I defined having a ‘feminine’ appearance as
‘more-than’ — instead of realizing that I am one and equal with and as both
male and female, and thus, the reason that I am desiring a feminine appearance
is to ‘feel’ feminine, and to get attention. I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to judge the appearance of the ‘female’ as
‘more-than’ me because I judged my own physical body as ‘less-than’ based on
memories of and as how I judged myself within ‘experiences’ of / as being a
male.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that I am ‘less-than’ as a man based on how my step-father in the
past called me ‘ugly’, and thus take that point ‘personally’ within myself —
giving that point ‘power’, and thus have an aversion for the character “Raj” on
the sitcom “What’s Happening!!” based on how I judged me and him as ‘ugly’ both
— spiting myself and him, and thus grow up as an adult, and become interested
in cross-dressing to cover up my perceived ‘ugly’ appearance into what I
defined as a more ‘attractive’ appearance — that was more ‘likeable’ /
‘desirable’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to not take self-responsibility in seeing, realizing, and understanding where I
am coming from within the decisions that I make by deconstructing the very
value / essence that I give to / as myself, which as a consequence, some
thoughts become ‘inferior’ — not existing within and as primary relationships,
but become characterizations in my life in the form of thoughts, feelings, and
emotions, that I then am not aware of where they come from because I never
investigated my thoughts in the past — when and as they were birthed — thus,
allow them to become embedded within and as me as a ‘personality’ / character
that I live / portray as ‘real’ in my life.
Thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to allow a point to become a primary point within my life
based on how I allowed that thought to build / construct itself within me
through / within the progression of time from childhood to adulthood because I
never took responsibility at the time of the thought manifestation to
investigate that though of/as how it exists as / started, thus become an
‘effect’ of the particular thought of/as the desire to cross-dress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to trust the feeling that I experiences when cross-dressing as a feeling life
‘water’ flowing from the top of my head and slowing down to my feet — to
believe that this ‘feeling’ is my just because I feel it — instead of seeing,
realizing, and understanding that I do not know the dynamics of the feeling,
then I don’t even know what I’m dealing with, but instead, blindly trusting a
‘feeling’ as if it is me, and until I understand the dimensions of what I feel
in equality and oneness, I am simply just living as an effect of it.
And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define this ‘feeling’ as a ‘wonderful’ experience —
instead of realizing that just because it feels or looks good doesn’t mean that
it is in-fact supporting me in equality and oneness (meaning that it could be
causing me harm physically,
psychologically, and/or energetically).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to buy accessories that makes me look and feel ‘feminine’ because I have
defined femininity within/as a certain look / appearance — instead of realizing
that I have controlled myself to specify certain movements, gestures,
behaviors, patterns, shapes, colors as ‘feminine’, thus, create a life that
aligns with this judgment about how / what femininity should be instead of
realize that the people / beings that are expressing themselves within these
certain movements, gestures, behaviors, patterns, shapes, colors, etc. that I
have defined as ‘feminine’ — are simply expressing themselves the way they are
expressing themselves. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to exist within knowledge and information about what femininity is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that femininity is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to give ‘value’ to femininity as if it is real — instead of realizing that it
is only as real as I make it to be in my world and reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to desire to go back to my ‘normal’ appearance as a male — instead of realizing
that I control / limit myself to what I believe and perceive is ‘normal’. And
within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see /
define / make cross-dressing something ‘special’ because I have accepted and
allowed myself to believe that I am not fulfilled / not whole, thus, have to
seek out that ‘wholeness’ in order to be ‘special’ which I patterned into and
as ‘cross-dressing’ based on my fears, and self-judgments about myself in the
past that I have not taking self-responsibility to forgive, and live in such a
way that I am not influenced by words, pictures, and actions of the past — that
I use to give value to something in the present reality.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to realize that there was actually ‘feeling’ that motivated me to
cross-dress, and when that feeling was ‘gone’, my desire to cross-dress left.
Thus within this, I realize that I was never the directive-principle of
cross-dressing. I didn’t decide to do it in equality and oneness, but allowed a
‘feeling’ to dictate when I ‘felt’ like cross-dressing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that ‘normal’ exists, thus, define myself, as a man — as ‘normal’
within the picture-presentation of myself, along with my physical movements,
voice tonality, behavior, etc., and thus desire to make myself ‘MORE’ through
and as the picture-presentation, and the ‘expressions‘ of a female
within their physical movements, voice tonalities, behaviors, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is a ‘feminine’ appearance as
having long, flowing hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is a ‘feminine’ appearance as
having soft skin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is a ‘feminine’ appearance as
having a narrow waist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is a ‘feminine’ appearance as
having big hips.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is a ‘feminine’ appearance as
little or no body hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is a ‘feminine’ appearance as
having breasts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is a ‘feminine’ voice as having a
high-pitched voice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
gentle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
graceful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
sensitive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as having a
lack of ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
caring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
accepting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
soft.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
willing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
nurturing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being
innocent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from that which I believe is ‘feminine’ behavior as being emotional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to remain in ‘cross-dress mode’ for so long because that ‘feminine’ feeling /
energy that I ‘experienced’ when cross-dressing was never ‘permanent’, but at
the same time, didn’t want to ‘lose’ that ‘feminine’ feeling / energy that I
‘experienced’ — instead of realizing that I defined myself within and as the ‘energy‘
of what I perceive as ‘feminine’, and thus existing — as a ‘dependent’ on a
‘feeling’ (energy) rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am
not a ‘feeling’, but am here equal to and one as all life — which doesn’t
depend on anything ‘outside’ of itself to be ‘life’, thus, for me to take
self-responsibility to direct myself in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to realize that if I let something else ‘direct’ me, then I have
abdicated myself from taking self-responsibility to become equal to and one
with that very point / source that is directing me — instead of realizing that
when I become equal to and one with it / as it, then I become self-directive,
and able to make real ‘logical’ choices that are not moved by / through energy
of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect cross-dressing to taking drugs in order to attain that blissful /
feminine ‘experience’ — which is simply an experience of all of my judgments
existing as vibrations and frequencies about how I perceive ‘femininity’ as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to form / create / make logical decisions from and of ‘consequence’ as ‘energy’
— rather than taking the consideration to have a look at what it is that I am
creating in every moment of breath through and as my words that I think /
speak, and if it is not best for me — as ways of living and existing that are
most optimal for me, and can be copied by everyone as a whole as what is best
for all, then it is not worthy to be life, and exist as a sound decision.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to realize that all ‘reactions’ are me expressing who I am as
‘consequence’ — because I / we didn’t take self-responsibility to direct myself
/ ourselves in oneness and equality — as making sound decisions that are best
for all — as ways of living and existing that actually support ‘life’, and the
growth / development of life in all areas.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to be and become the directive principle of that which I decide to wear
— making a decision to in-fact dress in equality and oneness — realizing that
there is not really a such thing as ‘cross-dressing’ as cross-dressing would
entail separation based on the word ‘cross’ — ‘crossing’ over to fabrics that
were not ‘originally designed’ for a particular sex.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to be and become the directive principle of that which I decide to wear
in self-honest which would entail that I am no longer existing within and as a
‘relationship’ to what I wear — as that ‘relationship’ is / becomes an ‘entity’
that drives my desire to wear certain things more-than others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself
to realize that authentic / real cross-dressing is when there is no desire for
/ to cross-dress, and when there is no desire to ‘cross-dress’ the ‘cross’ will
no longer exist within ‘cross-dress’, thus, every ‘dress’ (fabric) would simply
be an expression of self.
And within this, I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I do not know in exact detail of
how I originated the point / reason for I wear, then I am not standing equal to
and one with my own mind within and as what I wear, but allowing me to exist
within and as ‘experience’ / ‘relationship’ / ‘consequence’ to, as, and for
what I wear as my ‘style’ of clothing, thus, seeing it as a significance in my
life in order to please my ‘ego’, and to please others as ‘egos’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect females’ breasts to the childhood experience of me and my brother
playing around with beach balls — instead of living out that moment physically
in ‘purity’ (without connections) — because it is these connections in which I
made the ‘experience’ fun and exciting, instead of making a decision for and as
myself to have a ‘fun’ experience by having a look at my starting-point for/as
the ‘reason’ for the experiences that I participate in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to use ‘jokes’ to by connecting to differentiating points — in this case,
females’ breasts to beach balls — as I within this ‘solidify’ these two points
together in my mind and create experiences based on this ‘solidification’ — as
I as the mind, become less coherent as seeing, realizing, and understanding the
‘purity’ of and as a word, who I am within the word, how this word is formed
within me, what this word represents in me etc. because I created a ‘matrix’
of/as connections inside of me as word intermixed together — as I walk in/as
‘confusion’ of my position within/as my mind in relation to the world on a
daily basis.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to, as a child, connect females’ breasts to beach balls — instead of realizing
that the beach balls are simply expressing themselves the way that they are
expressing themselves, and to connect beach balls to female’s breasts, I remove
my awareness to and as that physical form as the ‘purity’ that it is as that
form, and change / alter my awareness as how I see it into observing it from
the mind’s perspective through and as the connection to beach balls with
females’ breasts — changing my awareness as what they actually represent into
and as knowledge and information ‘about’ their expression of what they consist
of and exist as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself,
as curiosity, put on socks to see how I would look like with females’ breasts —
based on the want, need, and desire for the ‘MORE‘
of me in a ‘subtle’ fashion within ‘curiosity’ — that I then justify, and
ingrain into and as my beingness, as I made the participation in ‘curiosity’
okay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
— that I have defined my image in the mirror as who I am as a collection of
memories that I characterize, and super-impose onto my physical form — instead
of seeing the reflection of what really exists in/as the mirror as all parts of
the physical — as the physical body, the mirror, the walls, and everything else
that constitute the physical nature of ‘here’, but instead only see a
personality that is trying to express itself within a physical body — as
everything else around me is seen as insignificant.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to desire my childhood experiences back when growing up because I believed that
I was ‘more expressive’ and ‘more pure’ at the time because my mind wasn’t
integrated into and as my physical body as it is now as an adult, thus, use
cross-dressing to ‘mirror’ my childhood experiences — to make it seem as though
I am ‘returning’ back to my childhood because within cross-dressing, there is
that ‘soft’ experience which I connected to the ‘softness’ of the child’s
physical body and innocent nature of the mind — instead of seeing, realizing,
and understanding, that I am physically / practically able to ‘return’ back to
a child — as the release of the collection of ‘personalities / characters’ that
are in-fact my regurgitation of ‘memories’ / ‘thoughts’ that I portray /
present to myself and others over and over again — as an ‘externalization’ of
my ‘childhood’.
Thus within this, I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to realize that both my characters as my
personalities, and cross-dressing, I PERFORMED: per-fected the ‘form’ as my
‘desire’ for my childhood — which is in-fact an ‘externalization’ as the
childhood character — instead of realizing that through self-forgiveness, I am
able to become a ‘child’ again as the nature of myself by releasing myself from
the ideas that I created about me — as what I have accepted and allowed myself
to be and become as a character characterizing definitions that I formed into
relationships / experiences that eventually became to be my identity as
thoughts, feelings, emotions, belief, ideas, desires, memories, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to desire to ‘perfect’ the point of putting ‘socks’ under my shirt because of
the curiosity for and as how it would be like to look like / be / feel like a
female — as a point of ‘perfecting’ the PAST — instead of realizing that I am
‘here’, and to desire to ‘perfect’ the past means is a desire to perfect the
IDEA of what I believe and perceive myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that I can know how it is to ‘feel’ like a female if I put socks
under my shirt — instead of realizing that that ‘feeling’ is simply a chemical
reaction that I defined as a ‘feminine’ feeling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define myself within a ‘chemical reaction’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define myself as a ‘chemical reaction’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that ‘feminine energy’ defines me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that ‘masculine energy’ defines me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to call a ‘chemical reaction’ ‘feminine energy’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to call a ‘chemical reaction’ ‘masculine energy’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to have a curiosity to see / experience which type of chemical reactions that I
can create by the placing of ‘socks’ under my shirt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to make chemical reactions ‘more than’ who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then something
is ‘wrong’ with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then I am not
expressing myself to the fullest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then I am
leaving a part of me out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then I am
missing a part of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then I am not
whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then I need to
find alternate ways to have experiences then can invoke a chemical reaction
within me to believe that I am still ‘alive’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then I am not
living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then I am not
alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then life is
boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that if I don’t, or cannot have a chemical reaction, then life is of
no value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that having chemical reactions is the ‘art’ of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that having chemical reactions makes life worth living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that having chemical reactions keeps me alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that having chemical reactions is what life is about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that having chemical reactions is spiritual.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect having ‘fun’ to the inducing of chemical reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect entertainment to the inducing of chemical reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect life to the inducing of chemical reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect living to the inducing of chemical reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect boredom to the lack of the inducing of chemical reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect depression to the lack of the inducing of chemical reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect desire to the lack of the inducing of chemical reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to desire to finish what I started as a child in being / becoming / manifesting
that ‘desire’ to ‘know’ how it would be like to look like / be / feel like a
female because now I am an adult with money — instead of realizing that that
‘desire’ is positioning myself within myself wherein I exist in / become two
separate ‘points’ within doubt and uncertainty — because I doubted myself as
who I am as already ‘here’, and instead based my integrity on/as relationships
that I created about my existence within this world and reality through the
mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to exist within the point of fulfillment within placing myself back into and as
the past ‘here’, and thus living out / manifesting a desire as a ‘curiosity’
because I defined myself as the integrity / totality of the past ‘here’ in that
moment of making a decision to buy ‘female’ attire at the thrift store —
instead of realizing that going back into the ‘past’ means that I don’t trust
myself ‘here’ as the expression of who I am, thus, have to manifest a
characterized ‘who-I-amness’ as different parts of me that I ‘grab’ from the past
in order to create me into and as a pseduo-wholeness of different parts that I
am satisfied with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to abuse the material ‘velvet’ within/as an ‘idea’ as an externalization of how
I perceived ‘femininity’
as soft and smooth, thus, when wearing velvet — create a chemical reaction
within me that ignites this feeling that I perceive as ‘feminine’ in order to
create a sense of ‘fulfillment’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the color ‘black’ to the word ‘superiority’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect a ‘dress’ to the feeling of ‘softness’, and ‘grace’ — instead of
realizing that because of the connection that I formed about a ‘dress’ to
‘softness’ and ‘grace’, I create chemical reactions within me that ignites the
feelings that I perceive as ‘softness’ and ‘grace’ in order to create a sense
of ‘fulfillment’ as my IDEA of ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that the point of ‘upgrading’ with other female accessories such as
a bra, and socks — which I upgraded to silicone-shaped breasts, which I then
upgraded to breasts made out of stocking and rice — was to create the ‘feel’ of
breasts — as the creation of more sophisticated chemical reactions within me
that induces a more sophisticated ‘feminine’ feeling within me — as the mind
creates more ‘sophisticated’ systems to feed my self-interested ‘desires’ for
the perfect ‘character’ within/as cross-dressing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘bra’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect wearing a ‘bra’ to being ‘feminine’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘breast’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that having silicone breasts will make me ‘feel’ more ‘feminine’ —
instead of realizing that having that belief, I create that chemical reaction
within me that ‘induces’ a feeling that I defined as a ‘feminine feeling’ into
existence, when all the while, it still has to be engineered by my beliefs to keep
it ‘alive’ while at the same time, I give the mind the permission to ‘feed’ off
of my fleshing through and as the participation within my thoughts that have
not been directed, but are instead ‘supported’ through my actions — as living
‘re-actions’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘wig’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘stocking’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘make-up’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘lipstick’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘primer’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘lip gloss’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘concealer’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘foundation’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘powder’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘blush’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘cream’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘highlight’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘stocking’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘bronzer’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘mascara’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘eyelash glue’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘eyebrow pencil’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘nail polish’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘setting spray’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘emulsion’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘eyeliner’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘makeup remover’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘high heel shoes’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘purse’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define cross-dressing as the embodiment / manifestation / completion of the
‘past’ as the fulfillment of / as the ‘curiosity’ that I felt — instead of
realizing that I created the curiosity, and within that creation of curiosity
is the desire something at the ‘end’ of that curiosity to give me ‘insight’ —
instead of realizing that that insight that I am looking for is just another
‘character’ as another property as ‘energy’ that defines my individual nature
of/as separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to fear swimming in
the water because I fear death through drowning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to fear going underneath the water to float for about a minute.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to experience a comfortability with being with the girls because I felt more ‘free‘
as a male within my physical movements / body expression based on the belief
that I had to keep up my ‘masculinity’ / masculine identity as ‘toughness’ that
males present themselves to be, and thus because of this, feel ‘constricted’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the freedom to move my physical body ‘freely’ around others as
‘feminine’ movements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself,
in my life, desire express myself as what I defined as ‘femininity‘
— instead of realizing that the reason that I desire to express myself as
‘femininity’ is because I separated / categorized some physical movements based
on how I saw them being expressed within males and females, and called those
movements ‘masculine’ movements and ‘feminine’ movements. Thus, within this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize some
movements as ‘masculine’ movements and some movements as ‘feminine’ movements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define ‘freedom’ within a specific ‘energy’ that I believe I have to
be/become — as a particular ‘picture-presentation’ within specific clothes, and
physical movement manipulation to generate a ‘feeling’ of ‘freedom’
/ comfortability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the superficial design of and as particular Caucasian males’ faces
to ‘rape’ and ‘racism’ because of the ‘experience’ of me being asked by a
‘Caucasian’ male — if he could perform oral sex on me for $20.00 when I was
coming home from school one day walking to the bus stop, and thus, in my world
and reality, feel ‘vulnerable’ when I am around particular Caucasian males — as
I superficially interpret the experience as Caucasian males accepting me
because I’m black — because that ‘acceptance’ has the same type of
‘vulnerability’ that I experienced in high school — when that man asked me that
question.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to realize that I will play out all forms of/as the energy of ‘vulnerability’
within my world and reality until I become the directive principle in my world
and reality of/as stopping the allowance of the dimensions of the ‘energy’ of
‘vulnerability’ to define, and exist within me. Thus, I realize the point of
cross-dressing also has the same ‘vulnerable’ feeling that I experienced when a
‘Caucasian’ male asked me if he could perform oral sex on me for $20.00. Thus,
in my life, I played that point of ‘vulnerability’ out because the feeling /
experience was never ‘directed’, but instead accepted as a ‘value’ — instead of
coming to the realization / understanding that I can in-fact change myself
because I was blinded by energy within both positive and negative polarities of
what I ‘liked’ about myself, and didn’t ‘like’ about myself — which I formed
into dimensions of my ‘personality’ in this world, and live out as if it is
actually ‘me’, thus, now that I see, realize and understand that I can change
my operating basis — not anymore being subject to what I liked and disliked about
myself or any experience that I gave ‘value’ to, but can forgive it, and
release it — instead of suppressing
it — which I thus ‘become’ in and as ‘future’ consequences — that I
‘believe’ is my ‘expression’.
And addition to this, I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to realize that the same point of vulnerability
existed when I judged myself as being ‘less-than’ / ‘inferior’ — based on how I
accepted other peoples’ judgment of me being skinny — which I connected to
vulnerability / not being ‘strong enough’ / healthy. Thus, do three things in
my world which are polarity opposites — 1) cross-dress as an externalization
of how I perceive vulnerability as –in order to become equal to and one with
‘vulnerability’ in order to not ‘feel’ inferior to the the dynamics of
‘vulnerability’…. 2) went to the gym four days a week to become a body-builder
— in order to gain muscle to externally hide the vulnerability within and as
me…. 3) thought about facing death by doing things that come close to death in
order to transcend vulnerability such as jumping into a river over a bridge in
order to equalize myself with death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to try to equalize myself with that which I separated myself from, in this
case, vulnerability — which I try to equalize in/as ‘experiences’ that I
defined as ‘more-than’ me (superiority), and thus because I defined created a
relationship to it as ‘superiority’, then I play out a ‘character’ as
‘inferiority’ in order to be/become equal to and one in it as it — creating a
‘neutrality’ — and within this neutrality, become ‘lost’ — as I created new
dimensions of ‘characters’ within me to ‘play-out’ in my life as the ‘winning
character’ of ‘ego’ based on the belief that I in-fact became equal to that
which I believe that I was ‘inferior’ to. Thus, the wining character becomes
‘neutralized’ within and as my beingness — as I live in within my world and
reality as if this ‘winning’ character is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to exist in ‘vulnerability’ when I see males’ faces that I defined as ‘rough’,
and thus, interpret / judge this vulnerability as me experiencing myself as
‘feminine’ to/towards them, and also, I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to exist in ‘superiority’ when seeing females’ faces, and
interpreted / judged this ‘superiority‘
as a ‘masculinity to/towards them based on how I see males’ faces as
‘structured’ / opened to ‘attack’ my ‘ego’ or attack my physical body in the
form of ‘rape’ — because I connected ‘rape’ to ‘vulnerability’ — because as a
child, the people who called me skinny, I saw them as ‘mentally raping’ me in
my mind because there was a connection that they created in their minds to my
body — instead of realizing that I also created a connection to males and their
physical bodies in relation to mine — for me to react to the thought of them ‘raping’
me, I have also raped them in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to exist in ‘superiority’ when seeing females’ faces, and interpreted / judged
this ‘superiority’ as a ‘masculinity to/towards them because of the belief that
I can ‘get away’ with anything from females based on how I perceive most
females as too ‘accepting’, and thus within this, exist within manipulation,
the desire for ‘freedom’, and fear of loss, because in order to portray the
character of ‘power’ — it has to be engineered by something or someone else —
thus in this case, instead of disciplining myself / respecting myself, I
instead allow myself to manipulating others as myself based on the desire to be
‘free’ from that which I controlled myself to exist within and as — in this
case — ‘vulnerability’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to compare my physical form to that of Caucasian males based on the past — when
Caucasian males use to have black / African male and female slaves used for
their self-interested purposes, and thus, externalize this point of ‘letting
go’ of the past through cross-dressing – - as the ‘letting go’ of the
friction/conflict as the enslavement of black / African slaves as the
cross-dressing point would represent the externalization / expression of
‘vulnerability’ which I connected to ‘forgiveness’ in this case — as a tacit
point that I believe exists between black men and Caucasian men — played out in
the form of ‘respect’ through physical gestures such as handshakes (representing
equality).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘vulnerability’ to the word ‘cross-dressing’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘vulnerability’ within the word ‘cross-dressing’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘letting go’ to the word ‘cross-dressing’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘letting go’ within the word ‘cross-dressing’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘femininity’ to the word ‘letting-go’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘femininity’ within the word ‘letting-go’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘femininity’ to the world’ ‘vulnerability’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘femininity’ within the world’ ‘vulnerability’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘cross-dressing’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dressing’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘cross-dressing’ to the word ‘forgiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dressing’ within the word ‘forgiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘femininity’ to the word ‘forgiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘femininity’ within the word ‘forgiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the point / process of ‘letting-go’ within cross-dressing’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to externalize the point of ‘letting go’ within/as ‘cross-dressing’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that femininity
exists, and thus, externalize ‘femininity’ within/as cross-dressing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to externalize ‘forgiveness’ within/as cross-dressing’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to externalize ‘vulnerability’ within/as ‘cross-dressing’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to externalize the fear of being ‘raped’ within/as cross-dressing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to externalize my self-judgment of myself as being ‘skinny’ within/as
cross-dressing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to create imaginary females to be in relationship with since I perceived myself
as having ‘bad luck’ at ‘winning’ a female for a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to make these ‘imaginary girlfriends’ unique in their ‘personalities’ and/or
humanoid aliens with telepathic, and telekinetic abilities to try to make them
appear ‘more-than’ / ‘superior’ to real-physical females as a point of manipulating
myself to give females an ‘inferior’ status based on how I judged females in/as
a ‘superior’ status by creating these ‘imaginary girlfriends’ that I perceive
myself ‘equal’ to, but ‘superior’ than real-physical females — which is really
just a point of trying to be ‘equal’ to females using a clever mind-fuck within
my own imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to up-the-game of getting the ‘energy’ that I desired from females within
myself through ‘cross-dressing’ to have that ability to get that ‘feminine’
energy within myself based on not being fulfilled ‘physically’ with the
‘imaginary girlfriends’ that I created for/as ‘sex‘, thus
‘project’ a ‘sexual relationship’ within and as myself by combining both the
masculine and feminine energies within me as a ‘merging’ of two opposite
polarities into one, and bring about the ‘belief’ that I will transcend the
desire for females altogether.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that since I did transcend some desire within me for females when
cross-dressing, that I should be more ‘engaged’ with cross-dressing to the
point of altering my physical body and mind to ‘drugs’ that would make me look
and feel feminine — as a point of removing the ‘desire’ within me of females —
believing that having both the physical and psychological attributes of
‘softness’, I will thus become ‘asexual’ (as not desiring males or females) —
which I defined as ‘sexual freedom’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to compensate to make myself experience being equally and one both male and female in
relationship with myself because of the belief that I would never acquire a
female based on the perceived accruement of ‘bad luck’ at acquiring a
relationship with a female.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to see, realize, and understand that I am equal and one ‘here’ — already
whole, and that having the desire for a relationship means that I am ‘separate’
from that manifestation that I desire a relationship with — to ‘give’ me
something that I didn’t take self-responsibility to give to myself such as
softness, thus, giving myself an ‘external’ representation of ‘softness’ based
on the ‘picture’ of the perceived ‘softness’ of a female, thus, believing that
if I copy the form/picture that a female represents — that I can acquire that
point of ‘lack’ that I believe that I don’t have, and females do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to desire a ‘relationship’ with another because of the belief that I am
‘lonely’ of which I, within this perceived ‘loneliness’, exist in fear and
anxiety, and thus, desire a relationship to ‘cover’ this ‘fear’ and ‘anxiety’ —
which is the ACTUAL me, that I have not taken self-responsibility to direct in equality and oneness
— meaning that I have not become equal to that ‘fear’ and ‘anxiety’, but
instead allowed that ‘fear’ and ‘anxiety’ to drive me within and as a ‘desire’
for ‘relationship’ to bring about the ‘illusion’ of fulfillment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to desire a ‘relationship’ with another to bring about the fulfillment which is
in-fact, the fulfillment of ‘fear’ and ‘anxiety’ of which I thus proliferate in
my ‘relationship’ with/as another, as me and my relationship partner both
‘equalize’ the fear and anxiety within us bringing about a perceived positive
energy ‘experience’ of/as ‘happiness’ — not realizing that this is really just
being able to manage the inner ‘consequences’ of myself within/as ‘fear’ and
‘anxiety’ using ‘techniques’ such as ‘pleasing’ the ‘relationship partner’ for
them to remain in my life.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to realize that the relationship that I was desiring was to equalize
myself with all females — as I created within me a female ‘spirit’ that would
represent all females, and believe that this female ‘spirit’ didn’t like me —
based on how, individually within my life, how I was rejected by most females,
and thus, when I approached females, I would already have this judgment about
them that I’m not ‘good enough’, thus, believe that within cross-dressing, I am
equalizing myself with all females to show them that I am in-fact ‘good enough’
for them because of the belief that a man with ‘feminine awareness’ makes the
‘best’ men in relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to think of myself ‘less’ as a man because of the self-judgment that I placed
on me based on how men in this world abuse
females — not seeing, realizing, and understanding that this abuse is together
collectively what we allow, and that to externalize the point that it is the
man’s fault for abusing women is not quite accurate, as females in this world
and reality are equally responsible for manifesting internal abuse within
themselves, thus externalizing that internal abuse into and as ‘experiences’ —
creating friction and conflict between males and females. And within this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take
self-responsibility to remove / release the ‘internal’ abuse within me — even
though I haven’t physically abused females — me existing as a ‘consequence’ of
abuse means that I am accepting abuse as the definition of who I am, thus being
the abuser of myself AND the abused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that since I’ve been turned down by so many women, that women prefer
being in relationship with other women (according to Romans 1:26-27), thus
‘cross-dress’ as a point of competing with women as ‘who can be the most
feminine’ — trying to ‘prove’ myself to women that I am ‘good enough’ for them
as man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to ‘feel’ more ‘happier’ when cross-dressing because of the belief that it was
‘more like me’ in/as who I am, but not see, realize, and understand that the
reason that I was feeling more like ‘me’ was because I was simply getting /
accruing both the masculine and feminine ‘energies’ that I created as the
structure / expression of masculinity, and the structure / expression of
femininity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to not realize that a male desires a female based on the females’ anatomy /
psychology / energetics as a whole — wherein, males want to have / accrue that
energy within them to make them feel fulfilled / complete that can be
experienced within and as ‘orgasm, and thus within this, makes every man a
cross-dresser / transgender — from the perspective of wanting that female
energy as part of them within sex to make them fulfilled. Thus within this, I
forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and
understand that the word ‘cross’ means to meet at a point — such as taking two
lines and crossing them into/as the form of the letter ‘X’ for instance. And
within this ‘meeting’ — there is either a merging of two points or a ‘meeting’
as being in the same place. Thus, within/as the word ‘cross-dress’ there is an
intersection / merging of ‘dresses’ = garnish — as the ‘decoration’ of oneself
as something ‘colorful’ and interesting. Thus in this case, the ‘dress’ that is
being worn within relationships and sex would be the ‘characters’ /
‘personalities’ that are in-fact the ‘colors‘,
‘vibrance’, and ‘liveliness’ of a person — that is demonstrated by/as every
individual within social interactions — hiding the internal nature as the
‘secret mind’ as how one is actually existing as in their minds. Thus, these
‘characters’ / ‘personalities’ are the inherent complex of attributes of ones’
actions / reactions, decision-makings, etc. — as ones’ thoughts, feelings,
emotions, habits, perceptions, ideas, opinions, memories, etc. — that determine
ones’ relationship with self and others. So within sex, two personalities /
characters cross (merge) their dresses (characters / personalities) into and as
each other becoming ‘cross-dressers’. As male and female in-fact is always
searching and seeking to be the ‘cross-dresser’ — crossing their characters /
personalities with/as others to validate ones’ characters / personalities as
‘real’ / ‘authentic’ / ‘good enough’ [Does my 'character' (dress) please you?].
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to — because of my lack of experiencing sex
within desire, I inverted that desire within myself within/as cross-dressing —
which was like having sex with my own self. Thus within this, I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘characters’, personalities,
lifestyles, behaviors etc. to attempt / try to ‘heal’ myself with by
internalizing these ‘characters’, personalities, lifestyles, behaviors etc.
within me by/through adopting these characters within my external reality as a
way wherein I believe I will be healed if I keep my ‘character(s)’ alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define comfortability within
cross-dressing based on all of the characters / personalities that I created as
me (as the definition of who I am) creating the illusion of freedom within
being able to ‘express’ who I am in and as these characters / personalities
that I define myself as — which consist of and exist as a myriad of thoughts,
behaviors that I constantly and continuously vitalize each and every day
through my participation in ‘relationships’, thus, defining the points that I
participate in everyday as ‘freedom’ because I have molded and shaped myself
into and as these particular-specific physical movements, words, back-chats,
internal conversations, voice-tonalities, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to see cross-dressing as something that is ‘wrong’ / ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ — which
I manipulated myself to believe into and as ‘control’ — by creating
‘characters’ that I live out / express as particular-specific behaviors within
thoughts / thinking, back-chat, internal conversations to/towards others that
cross-dress — of which I within seeing others that cross-dress exist within
‘reactions’ — judging what I see as the colors
and fabric combinations that I defined as ‘feminine’ / for females only, but
worn by males / men.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to realize that I am just like the cross-dresser, as the cross-dresser
defined him or herself in certain-specific ways within and as the array of
their thoughts — creating a relationship to cross-dressing. Within this, not
seeing realizing and understanding that I defined myself in certain-specific
ways within and as the array of my thoughts as the particular-specific patterns
as experiences that I, within these experience, took different / random
elements from the experiences and made them my own — these elements consisting
of and existing as other peoples’ thoughts which I judged within and as a
negative or positive
connotation, particular-specific movements, sounds, pictures, etc. of which
I created from all of these points my own personality / character that seeks
out its own self as a ‘mirror’ within and as ‘others’. Thus, not realizing that
every reaction is a ‘mirror’ of and as me — as what I have accepted and allowed
myself to be and become (whether it is a ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ reactions
to/towards that which I am reacting to).
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to realize that the world as a whole ‘cross-dresses’ everyday — dressing
up into and as ‘characters’ in order to fit someone else’s ‘character’ to make
them ‘feel good’ / ‘pleasured’ / ‘happy’ — because if we don’t present to them
the character (dress) that they ‘expect’, then the whole relationship changes —
which I(we) fear changes in relationship because if they ‘change’, then I
‘change’, and I don’t want to see/experience that ‘change’ within me for fear
of facing myself — instead of realizing that ultimately, there is nothing to
‘face’ because I am ‘here’ as breath. Thus, to ‘face’ something proves that I
am separate from that very thing that I ‘face’ — thus, to live equality and
oneness is to thus practically align myself with and as that ‘something’ or
‘someone’ that I have created myself into and as a character towards — to
become ‘real’ in fact as who I really am as the point of taking off the ‘dress’
(character)
that I created myself to be out of self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
— as a male, ‘react’ when / if I see another male ‘cross-dress’, and thus,
within that ‘reaction’ alter the relationship of myself with and as that male
into and as a ‘negative’ experience based on the fear of losing the ‘masculine’
illusion that I have defined myself as — into and as a ‘positive’ nature of me
— of which I everyday, feed, support, honor and empower who I am as a male
because deep down inside me, I was never that ‘male’ figure / model that I
presented myself as on the outside — not realizing that the more that I have to
‘fuel’ masculinity, the more that I am really actually telling myself unawarely
that I am not ‘man’ enough, and it is this being ‘man’ enough that I
‘controlled’ myself to exist in and as — as a ‘picture’ that is worshiped by
many men in the world — the picture of/as the definition of what a ‘real man’
consist of and exist as — instead of realizing that there is no such thing as a
‘real’ man that is of ‘positive’ nature because man simply represents the
justification process of the mind as what we have accepted and allowed
ourselves to be and become in relation to this physical world / existence — of
which we justify who we are as the ‘ego’ (self-interest) that ‘dominated’ the
physical (mind-over-matter)
— creating consequence within/as friction/conflict with ourselves and/as
others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to realize that there is no difference between the ‘cross-dressing
character’ and the ‘characters’ as the — personalities / masks that we portray
to each other everyday, but that the only difference is the presentation of
them — one presenting itself within and through ‘fabric’, and the other presenting
themselves within and through the mind as ‘personalities’ / behaviors. Thus, I
forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that —
until we realize who we are in equality and oneness
to ourselves, and each other, that someone who adopts the dress, manner or
sexual role of the opposite sex will always be a consequence because it simply
follows the nature of the individual program, and the system program as male and
female.
I commit myself to when and as I
see myself desiring to cross-dress, I see, realize, and understand that I
don't know all of the dimensions of the desire from and as its very own
starting-point of how it manifested within and as me. Thus, it is for
me to see, realize, and understand that it is my very own IDEA
of who I am as a CHARACTER that desires to cross-dress. Thus, it is for
me to equalize myself with and as my starting-point, by having a look
at all of the points of masculinity and femininity
that I separated myself from -- instead and as a 'reaction' that became
the 'desire' for something that I don't even know currently -- the
origin of -- as the reason for it existing within me -- because I was
never equal and one with myself within and to this point. Thus, I commit
myself to -- from a starting point of equality and oneness, apply
self-forgiveness to 'clear' my starting point of cross-dressing that is
currently existing as 'desire', and thus, within this 'desire' -- bring
all points back to myself 'here' -- in order to see, realize, and
understand what it is that is in-fact, 'engineering' the desire within
and as me -- through a process of self-investigation.
I
commit myself to show -- that masculinity and femininity are simply
IDEAS based on characters that were formed from the 'past' through and
as giving meaning / definition to and as PICTURES
that have become more superior than ourselves because it is pictures
that bind us within the definition of masculinity and femininity, and
how we express ourselves within and as them.
I
commit myself to show that masculinity and femininity is just an 'idea'
if we in any way allow ourselves to react if it just so happens that
the picture changes. (For example: a female shaving their head, a man
wearing a dress, etc.)
I
commit myself to show that cross-dressing is not even real because
masculinity and femininity are simply 'ideas' that were created by
CHARACTERS that don't even know themselves (as who they are) because an
IDEA is only created from a starting-point of not knowing.
I commit myself to show that when and as I accept and
allow myself to exist within ‘feelings’, I am in fact reacting as a
‘consequence’ to that which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within
me because I didn’t take self-responsibility to direct myself within and as my
life in my experiences, and thus, become the effect of my own thoughts,
feelings, and emotions as ‘experiences’ of relationships that I created which
succeedingly created the ‘desire’. Thus within this, when and as I see myself
‘reacting’ I stop; I breathe and let go of the ‘reaction’ and remain here as
‘breath’ — trusting in breath in and as the physical instead of placing trust
within and as the definition of who I am within and as reactions. Within this,
I have to slow myself down, and realize that I am ‘here’ with and as every
breath as my movements — becoming equal to and one with my movements through
and as the awareness that I am ‘here’ breathing — as I move ‘with’ my physical
body.
I commit myself to show how I am not in-fact the
directive principle of my life if I am not even here equal to and one aware of
my physical body and how I move within and as it. Thus, the decision to do
things are done from within the mind rather than as self ‘here’. It is done
within the mind meaning that it is done in automation — as the mind automates
all decisions that are not equal to and one with and as myself — which are
those very decisions that consist of patterns that became charged with ‘energy’
as negative and positive energy — which then become ‘neutralized’ as the
definitions of how I perceive myself as — as a personality.
I commit myself to show that ‘freedom’ in any form or
fashion within me is in-fact an illusion because I am actually living out a
reaction as a ‘manipulation’ of freedom. Thus, when and as I see myself
existing within the illusion of ‘freedom’, I have to look at what is it is that
I am ‘controlling’ myself into a creation / state of ‘freedom’ within me, and
to thus, deconstruct the value of it by first seeing, realizing, and
understanding the allocation points of where and how I allocated myself into a
position of/as an ‘effect’ of that which I am controlling myself to believe
myself to be — and thus from that allocation point — release myself through
self-forgiveness from the point as a statement of declaring that I will no
longer accept and allow myself to exist within and as my opinion of/as freedom.
Then I correct myself in my living world and reality — to live in such a way
that I practically become ‘free’ from the actual construct that I bound myself
to within/as self-sabotage.
I commit myself to show that masculinity doesn’t exist,
and then when I am defining myself and moving myself within and as what I
perceive as masculine movements / gestures, I direct my movements / gestures in
equality and oneness where I become aware of who I am with and as my physical
body — with all parts equally, and question my starting-point / the nature for
and as how I move. And thus, within questioning, I re-position myself to move
in equality and oneness where I am equal to and one within and as the
‘hereness’ of life which I have abdicated for the ‘hereness’ of and as the mind
existing within and as thoughts, feelings, and emotions ABOUT the physical —
rather than ‘embracing’ the physical reality ‘here’.
I commit myself to show — that I have never been ‘here’,
but ‘up there’ in my mind where I can play out all different kinds of
characters, instead of realizing the consequences — of playing out characters
of and as ‘energy’ — which are the very thoughts, feelings, and emotions ABOUT
me in relation to the physical — where I made up my own ‘story’ ABOUT this
life, and thus, have abdicated actual life for the life of and as me within and
as the mind — which has become the story of existence — all the collection of
relationships that have been allowed to exist in separation from/of what is
‘here’, and what has always been ‘here’.
I commit myself to — when and as I see myself existing
within curiosity, I stop; I breathe; I realize that curiosity is the mind / me
searching for / needing ‘energy’ — as the searching for MORE.
Because within the ‘searching’ is me being ‘energized’ by ‘desire’ as
‘curiosity’, and that the ‘searching for’ is in-fact, in most cases, the most
profound because in the end, the actual ‘meeting with’ that very person, place,
or thing that was desirable — becomes not desired anymore.
I commit myself to show who I am in relation to a joke —
the manifestation of the joke in/as it’s integrity of why/how it exists in
relation to the relationships that I create within and as me.
I commit myself to show that creating connections /
relationships to two or more different things, I within that moment ‘abuse’
that manifestation in it’s expression / nature as how it exists because I did
not accept that manifestation equal and one to with and as me as the expression
of who I am in equality and oneness. Thus, I allow myself to exist within
manipulating other expressions of manifestations as me with words, and thus,
become incoherent in/as accepting the ‘pure nature’ of/as that manifestation in
equal and one as me.
I commit myself to show that everything is here as me and
that to ‘desire’ something is in-fact an illusion as I, within that moment of
desire, separate myself from myself into ‘pieces’ trying to create ‘peace’
within ‘desire’.
I commit myself to show that chemical reactions are of
the physical body of which I brainwashed myself to believe that the chemical
reactions that I feel of a ‘MORE THAN’ nature of/as me — as I have accepted and
allowed myself as the mind to be ‘taken away’ by/as ‘energy’ as reactions —
creating a ‘solution‘
as the ‘survival’ of the personality that only serves my self-interested ways
of/as ‘personal freedom’ — which in-turn creates ‘consequence’ in this world as
the ‘compounding’ of war and starvation — created within ‘love’ and ‘light’ as
‘self-love’ and ‘self-righteousness’.
I commit myself to when and as I go swimming, learn how
to swim — be one and equal with the water by engaging with the water, and move
my physical body with and as the dynamics of the water. I can start from the
shallow end and work my way up to the deep end.
I commit myself to do research on floating underwater to
find out the effect of floating underwater, and if there are no adverse
effects, practice going underwater at a semi-shallow part of the water. Within
doing this in a practical matter, I realize that who I am as the mind is that
which fears the death of me through/as floating underwater based on how I
judged the dynamics of the water in my mind in relation to my physical body.
Thus, can also research some guidelines/tips for effective ways to go under the
water.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself around males
putting on what I perceive is a ‘masculine’ impression, I stop; I breathe, and
I let go of that particular specific ‘character‘
that I ‘became’ in order to position myself into/as a specific body posture
that I defined as ‘masculine’ to please the other males — by breathing, and
earthing the energy of ‘ego’ as ‘masculinity’, and allow my body to move in and
as its ‘relaxed’ state.
I commit msyelf to when and as I see myself defining the
freedom to move my physical body ‘freely’ around others as ‘feminine’
movements, I flag-point this, and realize that I judged myself within my
physical movements, and thus, I ask myself — what is it that triggered this
judgment about myself in the environment that I am in, and thus practically
support myself in writing to forgive the point, and and practically apply
self-correction to make sure that I no longer have a relationship to that
point.
I commit myself to when and as I ‘desire’ to express
myself as what I defined as ‘femininity’, I realize that I in that moment and
not giving myself what it is that is the reason for the desire to manifest.
Thus, I can flag this point — and have a look at the reaction / energy. If it
is the desire to wear female clothes, then I realize that I judged the clothes
as ‘feminine’ clothes / clothes that I placed a value on and gave it a SUPERIORITY,
and that within this, I gave a ‘picture’ to femininity — as a specific ‘look’
and a specific ‘energy’. I commit myself to show that when I stop energy
through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application — that I am still
here, and that all of that which I defined as ‘who I am’ or what/how I ‘should’
be is simply energy-based — as it depends on a ‘feeling’ to be/become it. I
realize that this is self-manipulation, and that when/as I commit myself to
‘trust’ myself — that means that I have to give up ‘energy’ in order to
be/become self-trust in every moment of breath — trusting that I am ‘here’ as
‘breath’.
I commit myself to prove to myself that I can be ‘free’
without ‘energy’ through the process of stopping the mind as ‘energy’ as what I
have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am. Thus, within this
process I gain ‘self-trust’ while at the same time ‘removing’ trust in/as all
of the relationships that I created with ‘energy’ as thoughts, feelings, and
emotions — to prove to myself that I am in-fact ‘here’ as breath, and that I
always was, yet — never realized.
I commit mysef to when and as I see see the point of
‘vulnerability’ coming out within me and Caucasian males, I flag the point and
realize that within this energetic experience is a point that I haven’t
directed within my life, thus, instead of directing it externally through
emotions and feelings, or through cross-dressing, I see, realize, and
understand that this point will continue to exist as long as I allow the point
ot have directive principle over me. Thus, to forgive myself — as a point of
taking ‘directive stand’, because within self-forgiveness, I see, realize, and
understand in self-honesty, that the source of self-forgiveness is me — thus, I
am able to align myself in self-forgiveness equal to and one as what is ‘here’.
Because within feelings, and emotions, I realize that me allowing myself to
exist within feeling
and emotions without taking a directive stance, comes from a starting point
that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within — as a character in the past
— as I project that character into the moment here, and thus, believe that I as
this character — is me because I have become it, and trusted it as my
expression — as I abdicate actual expression within and as self-trust — wherein
I am able to in-fact make decisions that are in-fact coming from me as who I am
as ‘breath’ — in self-honesty.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself existing in positivity
and negativity / likes and dislikes — as words that I defined myself as — I
see, realize, and understand that I am existing in and as characters, and that
if I find it difficult to step out of ‘character’ through self-forgiveness, I
realize that I allowed my mind to have total control over me — as I become
possessed within and as likes and dislikes / positivity and negativity. Thus
for me, it is to delete the characters that created the construct of positivity
and negativity / likes and dislikes — by investigating the starting-point for
my acceptances and allowances for and as characters as thoughts, feelings, and
emotions to create my integrity of/as how I exist within and as ‘reason’ —
construing ‘reason’ to and within different dimensions where I become ‘lost’
and confused that I cannot see, because I am existing within as it, but I am
able to see within my reactions / anger — that I believe is my expression.
Thus, through self-forgiveness, I am able to bring all points here as breath,
and delete all characters as mind-possessions that created the point of
‘vulnerability’ through dedication as consistency.
I commit myself to internalize what it is that I am
participating in through investigating the starting-point of and as it
existence within/as my participations within it — instead of creating
external points — which in turn — creates new characters, personalities,
constructs, symbols within me — that I begin to subtly brainwash myself to
believe that it is me, and thus, prolong my process of stopping my mind.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself trying to
equalize myself with that which I separated myself from, in this case,
vulnerability, I realize that I am coming from a point of equalizing myself in
separation, and that without self-forgiveness, I am manipulating myself and
creating a mind-definition of equality because I haven’t yet sorted out the
point within me of the reason why vulnerability exists within me, thus, simply
creating new dimensions of ‘characters’ within me to ‘play-out’ in my life as
the ‘winning character’ of ‘ego’.
I commit myself to flag all points of relationship of
where/why I change myself: my behavior, personality, as the creation of new
characters within femininity and masculinity to/towards the shape, structure of
peoples’ faces — which is in-fact points of separation of characters being
played-out as internal judgments in the within ‘superiority’ and ‘inferiority’.
I commit myself to ask the questions, “What is is that I allowed myself to
be/become inferior to? What is is that I allowed myself to exist within / hold
on to ‘superiority’ within and as me as judging another as ‘inferior’. Thus, it
is to forgive and realize that that I am equal and one as all, but existing
within and as a defined equality and oneness within and as the mind’s
definition of equality and oneness within/as the portrayal of ‘characters’ —
and once I step out of character, my whole design / personality becomes
‘con-fused’ because I was only con-scious within/as characterizations that I
used to define my entirety of/as my beingness / expression through/as
relationships with others.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand what it
is that I am ‘controlling’ myself to exist within and as — as the point of
‘getting away with’ things — as an ego/personality that I have accepted and
allowed myself to be and become — as a point of self-manipulation through/as a
defined ‘freedom’ that doesn’t really exist but within a characterization of
who I am as ‘ego’ / ‘personality’. Thus me existing within and as ‘superiority’
within the picture of a female is the point of me seeing myself as ‘masculine’,
and if I define ‘masculine’ it is all of the characters that I have not
directed within my world and reality, thus, within masculinity, all of those
character that I haven’t directed, or had a chance to direct but didn’t play
out as anger and fear — fearing that me as masculinity will lose that part of
me — thus, this ‘freedom’ as masculinity is the collection of all characters of
my beingness that I have allowed myself to be and become, thus, through
self-forgiveness, I am able ‘let go’ of the characterization of who I am as a
‘stable’ personality, and birth myself into and as a point wherein who I am is
in-fact the directive-principle of my world and reality — through writing and
self-forgiveness — which in-fact is my tools that I am able to utilize into
and as seeing what it is that I have become — as I take apart each point, write
it down, self-forgive, commit, and correct that which does not align with who I
am in/as self-direction and self-honesty ‘here’.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that I am
not defined by my past, but that defining myself based on the past (whether I
existed within it or not) is in-fact me subjecting myself to and as
‘characters’ as I perpetuate those characters in my world and reality. Thus,
the only reason that I would subject myself to and as the past is because I
defined myself — a part of me in the past, as I valued myself within a
‘more-than’ status / superior in and as the past — as I see the past as my mother/father/giver
of who I am as why I exist the way I exist. Within this, I commit myself to
stop the past — as I will still be ‘here’ when I stop my participation with and
as the past — which is not really ‘the past’, but who I am as my ‘characters’
that I defined as my past — as who I ‘was’ and how I existed as a character,
thus, I don’t really know the past — as the past doesn’t really exist but
within and through characters. I can logically tell myself that the past exists
— but why even bother? There is a relationship existent within trying to make
the past ‘real’ through logic, and that I have subjugated myself to and as a
‘character’ that ‘values’ the past within knowledge and information. I commit
myself to align myself with what is ‘here’, and what is ‘here’ can be seen
within taking self-responsibility to direct myself in every moment of breath,
and seeing, realizing, and understand what it in-fact means to direct myself —
which is a process that takes dedication through/as practically
walking/aligning myself with all of my commitments — that are in-fact
committing myself to myself in self-honesty.
I commit myself to show — that externalizing points only
create new characters — as I within the externalization of these points ‘trust‘ myself in/as these ‘new’
characters — believing that I am either equalizing myself with the primary
point or ‘transcending’ the original point. Thus, the practical application
within this is to bring all of the externalization or the ‘thought’ of
externalizing points back within and as myself through self-forgiveness — as a
of declaring that I release myself from the acceptance and allowance of these
points to manifest within and as me, and direct myself accordingly to live in
such as way that is every being on the planet is able to live wherein the point
(the friction/conflict) won’t be able to manifest again — thus, to structure my
self-forgiveness, and corrective-application in a way that it would be
impossible to create friction from it, and that means to give up all desires,
and self-interests that only support me in my own bubble realize of/as ‘ego’.
I commit myself to show that ‘bad luck’ can only exist
when I see relationships as ‘superior’, and thus, within that, allow
relationships to direct me because I haven’t directed myself. Thus, I know that
I am existing in ‘separation’ from what is here, and thus, to let-go of the
point of relationships because a relationship is all about winning and losing —
of which I made a commitment to exist as an ‘ego’ trying to win all of the
time. Within this winning and losing game, I lose ‘character’ as self-respect
and self-trust, and replace it with other characters that exist only to mirror
its own life within and as another person through opinion — feeding off of
whatever it can to make itself (as ego) believe that it’s life, because I as
these characters define life within and as ‘relationship’, and thus the
relationship from the starting point — exists as self-abuse because within
relationship, I abdicate who I am as life for the life of characters —
characters that I defined myself as — as ‘measurements’ that I can spite others
with — with words, behaviors, habits, a smile, etc. because within everything
that I do and say, is a self-spitefulness as backchat consisting of winning and
losing — that I have to balance out through another.
I commit myself to show that making my ‘imaginary
girlfriends’ unique in their ‘personalities’ is a point of trying to balance
out that which I separated myself from as females through my own psychological
ingenuity of the mind which engineers a world of fantasy as a point of
bandaging that which has become difficult to direct from the mind’s
perspective, and that difficulty was how I believed that I couldn’t equalize
myself with females. I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that I am
already equal to and one with females. It was only specific words and pictures
that I created relationships to — with my own physical body, and thus projected
onto and as other ‘forms’ that ‘look and speak different’ to create the
‘illusion’ of separation. Thus, what particular part of my physical body that I
judged myself as in relation to other physical bodies, and thus to bring all
judgments of others back to myself within writing and self-forgiveness because
I have separated myself from my own physical body and blamed others by being
attracted to their physical body, or not attracted to their physical body.
I commit myself to show that merging or ‘combining’ two
variables that I perceive ‘separate’ from each other is the opposite of
equality and oneness — as within equality and oneness, everything is already
‘here’ — thus which makes ‘cross-dressing’ in itself, self-dishonesty because
one set of fabric that is assigned to one gender is perceived separate from
another set of fabric that has been assigned to the other gender. Thus by
cross-dressing, one is actually supporting their limited character as who they
perceive themselves as — as a male or female — by believing that one is
‘crossing genders’, but what one is in-fact doing is supporting who they are
within and as their own gender to become ‘more of’ their own gender as a man or
woman — especially when one is trying to ‘rebel’ — because in this ‘rebellion’,
one is perceiving themselves ‘limited’ within their own gender, and trying to
become ‘free’ by combining both genders — which is actually saying that there
are two different genders, and that one has to combine both genders to become
‘free’ in one’s expression. Thus, rebellion simply ‘amplifies’ separation with
gender identity — no different than one who is homophobic.
I commit myself to take self-responsibility to transcend
desire by taking self-responsibility for it — instead of using / abusing fabric
or ‘drugs’ to do that for me — by having a look at all dimensions of what it
is, and why it is that I am accepting and allowing myself to ‘desire’ certain
specific pictures because within desiring certain forms, shapes, colors, etc. —
I making something / someone ‘superior’ as I defined myself ‘less than’ that it
/ them, thus, to take self-responsibility to equalize myself with my own
physical body, and my own thoughts, because it is my thoughts that I am
separate from, and thus, project ‘externally through the using of fabric and
the ‘thought’ of using ‘drugs’ to remove the desire within and from me —
because I have already done it internally through/within my thoughts that
created the desire to manifest the point physically. So here I can see that I’m
working with two desires — the desire to transcend desire within me, and thus,
how can a desire stop a desire? lol
I commit myself to show that compensation is always
relationship-based, and thus, to compensate means that I adjust a value (character)
within another value (character), thus, creating a new ‘value’ (character) to
live out. Thus, within my process of self-forgiveness, is to show that when and
as I experience myself within self-forgiveness ‘compensating’, then the
self-forgiveness is not valid. This means that if I am experiencing ‘energy’
within self-forgiveness, then I am existing within and as a ‘relationship’ to
self-forgiveness instead of me doing self-forgiveness from within a
starting-point of self-honesty. Self-forgiveness should be unconditional.
I commit myself to be aware of what it is that I give
myself which I give to another, because if I am not aware of what it is that I
give to another, then I am manipulating who I am in relationship to/with
another — which creates fake dimensions of kindness because how can I not be
giving to myself what I give to another when in fact, that is what I am
actually doing in every moment whether it is within what is best for all or
within/as ‘ego’, and to say that I don’t ‘want’ anything from the other person
means that I am not self-honest within my approach because I am in-fact
receiving something that I give to another whether I am aware of it or not.
I commit myself to stop the fear and anxiety that exists
within/as myself — that I have defined myself as — which I hide and play out
in/as ‘loneliness’, and it is within ‘loneliness’ wherein I have the
opportunity to take apart all of the relationship patterns that I exist as that
created the ‘effect’ of loneliness — which is the ‘experience’ of me wherein I
am not in-fact feeding those relationship patterns in the moment, thus
‘yearning’ for energy-relationships that I defined myself as. Thus, if I stop /
direct all relationships, then I do not have to be subject to ‘loneliness’ as
an ‘outflow’ of/as the ‘yearning’ for ‘energy’ as ‘relationships’ — because it
is these relationships as ‘characters’ that I became / integrated as part of/as
me — that moves and speaks for me instead of
me instead of me directing myself in equality and oneness with and as my
physical body ‘here’. I, within loneliness — allow the ‘hereness’ to be that
hunger for energy — which is not ‘me’, but is in-fact re-actions = as memories
re-lived / re-birthed as ‘experience’.
I commit myself to show that fulfillment in and as its
nature — is the nature of/as ‘characters’ that I play out in order to merge /
create new characters within and as me — to live out — of which I define me
existing in and as ‘characters’ as my inherent complexity of who I am as the
mind, and thus, determine my own moral and ethical actions and reactions in my
world in harmony with humanity’s moral and ethical actions and reactions — thus
together, teaching ourselves how to re-act to and within our experiences in/as
the physical. And within this, I commit myself to show how memories are valued
in our world and reality — that become our ‘ethics’ in/as the mind — using and
creating memories as ‘characters’ as we conform to the accepted standards of
social behavior — forming / creating / constructing ‘righteousness‘
as the ‘adherence’ to how we — as a collective humanity defined ourselves
amongst ourselves as others in the world. Thus, if I am not optimally existing
in/as — relationships — constantly and continuously defining who I am as a
‘character’, I perceive myself as being ‘unfulfilled’, thus, creating the
vehicle of ‘desire’ — not realizing that I as who I am is able to commit myself
to — instead of creating relationships externally — create a relationship with
myself — as being aware of who I am in relationship to/as the world — which was
missed and replaced by consciousness, as I defined life/living as the
perpetuation of/as the relationships that I create externally — never seeing,
realizing, and understanding that the external reality was always dependent
on/as the internal nature of who I am and what I have accepted and allowed
myself to be and become as a ‘character’.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that I am
already equal and one with/as females, but it is for me to practically walk the
point of equality by first being equal and one with/as myself — because I can
only perceive myself ‘separate’ from another — when I am separate from/as
myself. Thus, to investigate all points of separation within and as me because
all of these points of separation are the ‘characters’ that I live out in my
world/reality — because I was never equal and one with/as myself, and how to
realize my equality and oneness with myself is to first see, realize, and
understand that all of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas,
beliefs, are in-fact ‘me’ — that they are not there because of a separate
entity that influenced me to have the thought, feeling, or emotion, but are
there by my own acceptance and allowance through and as a memory being played
out — as I haven’t investigated that memory in relationship to myself — “Who
was I within that memory / moment?” “Why did I react the way that I reacted
within that memory / moment?” “What happened to make me ‘feel’ this way or that
way?” “Why do I accept and allow myself to — every time this picture
comes up, I smile / get angry / feel sad, etc.?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to think of myself ‘less’ as a man because of the self-judgment that I placed
on me based on how men in this world abuse females — not seeing, realizing, and
understanding that this abuse is together collectively what we allow, and that
to externalize the point that it is the man’s fault for abusing women is not
quite accurate, as females in this world and reality are equally responsible
for manifesting internal abuse within themselves, thus externalizing that
internal abuse into and as ‘experiences’ — creating friction and conflict
between males and females. And within this, I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility to remove / release
the ‘internal’ abuse within me — even though I haven’t physically abused
females — me existing as a ‘consequence’ of abuse means that I am accepting
abuse as the definition of who I am, thus being the abuser of myself AND the
abused.
I commit myself when and as I see myself thinking of
myself ‘less’ as a man, I realize that I am existing in a relationship to that
which is an ‘illusion’ as the definition of a man in relationship to a female —
that this is in-fact limitation of/as who I am as life ‘here’, thus, I within
writing have a look at the points of ‘more-than’ and ‘less-than’, and to
understand that the point / position that I play as being ‘less-than’ is
in-fact when I am not existing in/as the relationships that define who I am as
a ‘man’, but instead, existing in/as another character — the character of
perceiving myself ‘less-than’ as a man — still a ‘man’ within this, but not
existing / activating / participating in all of the relationships that it takes
to be what I define as a ‘real’ man. Thus, when I am in-fact existing as a
‘man’ I am comfortable within/as the ‘position’ that I am in as a man, but it
is for me to become ‘more’ of a man through and within having a ‘relationship’
with a female. Thus, become the ultimate ‘man’ as a man that was able to
acquire a ‘female’ — proving who I am as a ‘man’ with ‘manhood’. It is to see,
realize, and understand that if I am in-fact existing within/as the ‘negative’
of and as me not being ‘man-enough’ — instead of existing in / creating a
character, I within that negative simply remove the energy / participation
of/as not being ‘man’ enough, by simply giving up the entirety of all of the
patterns / definitions that are the constituents of/as the definition of what I
agree as being a ‘real’ man — as the point / process of ‘stepping out of
character’. This, I can do anytime — within me believing that I am ‘less-than’
as a man, me defining myself as a ‘man’, and seeing / perceiving myself as
‘more of’ a man. Thus, when I ‘step out of character’, it will feel as though I
‘lost’ my manhood / became ‘less-than’, but it is to see, realize, and
understand that I was simply existing within a character perceiving myself as
‘less-than’ a man because of the relationships that I created with/as that
definition from/as how I defined ‘manliness’ / ‘manhood’ as.
I commit myself to show that I within competition of ‘who
can be the most feminine’ is me as how I defined myself as man, playing out the
role / character of ‘femininity’ in order to become ‘more of’ a man, and that
this competition in-fact proves that I as the definition of who I am as a man
can / will not stand the test of time. Therefore, when I stop the desire for/as
a ‘character’ (which is in this case — wanting ‘approval’ from females that I
am good-enough to be in / create a relationship with them) then I stop
competition — because the character is in-fact the entity that is in a
relationship to whatever it is that created the character. Thus, once I
‘become’ the character in equality and oneness through and within breaking down
the constituents that created / formed that character, I then see, realize, and
understand the dynamics of it, and realize that the character was only a
portrayal playing a role which was formed from memories as pictures, colors,
shapes, words, feelings, emotions, etc. — super-imposed onto/as what is ‘here’
as what is ‘real’.
I commit myself to show how I created masculinity and
femininity in the first place. How it is within and as me that I defined
particular-specific pictures as shapes and forms, colors, energies etc. to be
defined as ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’, and within this, limit myself to and as
the definition of who I am in ‘relationship’ to certain picture as a
shape and form, colors, energies etc. — not seeing the actual ‘expression’ of
what a color, form, shape, word, picture represents as it’s very nature of it.
Thus, by defining particular specific pictures as shapes and forms, colors,
energies etc. within ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’, I create the definition of
who I am in relation to myself and this world and reality as a ‘character‘
— already having a preconceived notion about the world and reality around me —
instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am not defined by
‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ — as masculinity is simply the experience of the
manifestation/relationship of the man within and as ‘power and strength’, and
femininity as the manifestation/relationship of the female within and as ‘flow,
movement, and grace’.
I commit myself to stop cross-dressing — from the
perspective of ‘crossing’ my characters with/as others — whether sexually or
not — taking from others — their ‘garnish’ as their ‘decoration’ of themselves
as ‘characters’ — that makes them ‘colorful’ and interesting. Within this, I
see, realize, and understand that by wanting to cross-dress, I am in-fact
dressing up into a ‘character’ / characters that I see / judge as ‘vibrant’ /
‘lively’ — based on how I defined life within and as the ‘dress’ / make-up of
myself as a ‘character’ seeking the ‘MORE’ of me within — positivity, love,
colors, light, beauty, etc. — so when and as encountering the shapes, forms,
colors, personalities, people, places, etc. that I see as a compatible source —
wherein I am able to take the expression of it/them and make it/them my own, I
check the starting-point. If I see / judge the point as something ‘more-than’
me, and by having it, believe that I can ‘truly’ express myself within/as it, I
see, realize, and understand that what I am in-fact doing is taking something
physical that I gave a definition / value to — based on a previous ‘experience’
in my world and reality, and I super-imposed that previous experience onto and
as the present moment ‘here’ — giving the past the authority as ‘life’ to mold
/ shape how I am existing as in the present — because it is the past that I
have entrusted, thus by incorporating / making something my ‘own’ within/as
this world is simply me cycling through/as the past within the allocation
of memories that I have defined myself within/as. So when I move within my
world/reality, I move ‘here’ as breath, and that any feeling that I feel
to/towards something / someone is in-fact a ‘reaction’ of/as a relationship
that I formed within self-dishonesty. Thus, the first self-honest point is to
walk as the point of correction by flagging who I am within what I do such as
for example — when seeing a man that has has a sense of humor, and the desire
to incorporate that ‘humor’ within me unawarely acknowledging parts of me that
I separated myself from, and thus, desire to ‘bring back together’
through/within having a ‘sense’ of humor instead of doing self-forgiveness for
allowing myself to exist in a relationship that I believe will make me a
‘better person’ if I incorporate his character into mine — and thus, I commit
myself to have / incorporate the necessary awareness and self-trust to move as
one being here instead of existing as myriads of beings as ‘characters’ that
try / attempt to balance itself out in/as relationships.
I
commit myself to show that cross-dressing, for me, was a point of ‘desire’
— desiring to fulfill ‘sex’ — because I wasn’t getting it from a female, thus,
I internalized that desire, and expressed it externally within / through
‘cross-dressing’. I commit myself to show that this is how I try to find my
‘happiness’ because I never really in-fact gave it to myself for real — I was
only trying to give myself happiness in separation by/through incorporating ‘characters’,
personalities, lifestyles, behaviors etc. within me, and externalizing them in
a way where wherein I believe I will be healed if I keep my ‘characters’,
personalities, lifestyles, behaviors etc. alive. But the question is, how can I
know what ‘life’ is if I am constantly and continuously acting out
‘characters’? If I see, realize, and understand the dynamics of/as each
‘character’, I am able to actually become aware of the dynamics of/as myself.
Thus, I commit myself to become aware of the dynamics of/as myself in every
moment by asking myself “Who Am I?” within this moment. “What am I accepting
and allowing myself to be and become?” in this moment. “If I break this
character down, what is it that created this character?” Thus within asking
myself questions, I am able to realize what it is that I am holding on to / not
letting go of — that I defined as the ‘life’ of/as me within/as characters, and
through self-forgiveness, I am able to release / delete the ‘relationship’ that
I have with all of my characters — which are simply relationships in essence to
something / someone that I ‘valued’ in my life, and that I ‘became’, and within
this, I am giving myself actual ‘freedom’ to express myself.
I commit myself to investigate my experiences that I
define within and as a comfortability setting because within experiences that I
define within and as a comfortability setting is how I created and defined me
in relation to the pictures, colors, sounds, movements of these particular
experiences and previous similar experiences, and thus as a result,
‘specialize’ these specific pictures, colors, sounds, movements as part of my
beingness / expression. Within investigating the particular-specific
experiences that I defined within and as a comfortability setting is the point
of having a look at the thoughts and back-chat that arises within and as these
moments, and see how I formed / created it within a positive polarity, by
taking the positive
polarity thoughts and back-chat and assess the relationship that they have
with and as negative thoughts and back-chat within experiences in the past through
having a look at what comes up in the moment either within my mind as thoughts
and back-chat, or my solar-plexus region as an emotion — which would be the
actual reason / starting-point for existing within and as positive-energy
experiences that I have defined as ‘comfortable’ experiences in my world and
reality — of which I always try to maintain these ‘comfortable’ experiences,
and never actually assessing these moments in self-honesty / clarity, and what
it is that drives me to keep cycling through the same experiences over and over
again.
I commit myself to delete all judgments within and as me
about cross-dressing whether I see it as ‘wrong’ / ‘bad’ / ‘negative’, or
‘right’ / ‘good’ / ‘positive’, in which both polarities as these judgments
places me into and as a point of limited awareness of which I see / judge
everything only within the context of ‘wrong’ / ‘bad’ / ‘negative’, or ‘right’
/ ‘good’ / ‘positive’ — never really in-fact seeing something / someone as it
is / they are — in the physical ‘here’ — molding and shaping the physical into
and as my limited awareness through ‘wrongness’ / ‘badness’ / ‘negativity’, or
‘rightness’ / ‘goodness’ / ‘positivity’. I commit myself to show that deleting
all judgments exists as a point of not defining myself within judgments, and to
thus walk the point practically through and within ‘neutralizing’ all points of
‘wrongness’ / ‘badness’ / ‘negativity’, or ‘rightness’ / ‘goodness’ /
‘positivity’ as just simply not participating in / feeding the energetics that
arise within me — in my solar plexus / physical body of the feelings and
emotions that I define within ‘wrongness’ / ‘badness’ / ‘negativity’, or ‘rightness‘
/ ‘goodness’ / ‘positivity’, or in my mind as my thoughts, back-chats, internal
conversations about what could be / is ‘wrong’ / ‘bad’ / ‘negative’, or ‘right’
/ ‘good’ / ‘positive’.
I commit myself to show when and how I accepted and
allowed myself to be and become as a ‘personality’ / ‘character’ — as I created
a relationship to certain specific points — just like the cross-dresser that
created a relationship to stockings, dresses, high-heel shoes, lipstick,
make-up etc. — taking different parts / points, and forming a perceived
‘wholeness’ as however the cross-dresser presents themselves as. I commit
myself to show when and how I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a
‘personality’ / ‘character’ by taking each thought, feeling, emotion,
back-chat, internal-conversation — having a look at when and how I allowed
myself to be and become within and as these points, and thus, see, realize, and
understand through practical living as not participating in these points, but
actually walking a process of deleting these points / characters by not giving
them ‘energy’, and the way that this energy can be giving is through reaction —
thus, when and as I ‘react’ to a particular specific point that I considered assessing within and as myself, I know
that I am accepting and allowed myself to be subjugated by that point — which
is the reason why self-forgiveness is an important part in declaring / stating
that I release myself from the participation within/as this thought, feeling,
emotion, back-chat, internal-conversation — as a ‘declaration’ to walk the
commitment to/towards/as self-perfection.
I commit myself to show where I am changing in
relationship to someone because it is what I see in them that I see in me that
I have not directed in my world and reality, but instead allowed me as the mind
/ energy to direct the point into and as back-chats / internal-conversations.
Thus, I take the back-chats
and internal conversations, and learn how I constructed them in and as my world
within/as relationships with others that are all but outflow-manifestations of
my secret-mind.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand who I
really am as the external-outflow projection as ‘ego‘
that I use to cover up the internal nature of/as me through and as simply being
aware of my breath in every moment because it is within breathing that I can
discern when there are changes in my breathing. When there are changes in my
breathing, then there is something in my world and reality wherein I am
participating in the mind as ‘energy’. I commit myself to show that I couldn’t
do this within ‘ego’ because within ego I am lost — within the definitions that
I define myself as. Thus, the practical way to reveal this point is to have
someone else duplicate the very moments, voice-tonalities, etc. that equal to
expression that you had in that moment — to see how you acted / behaved in that
moment, and thus, one can see for one’s own self one’s own acceptances and
allowances. This is best done when there is disagreement because the the
disagreement comes from lack of directing the experience in a way that is most
optimal for all in / as the experience.
I commit myself to show that there is no difference
between the ‘cross-dressing character’ and the ‘characters’ as the —
personalities / masks that we portray to each other everyday, but that the only
difference is the presentation of them — one presenting itself within and
through ‘fabric’, and the other presenting themselves within and through the
mind as ‘personalities’ / behaviors — as this can be practically applied by
having a look at how self relates to others in the world as self has a mask
that self puts on all of the time around others to keep oneself in an
appearance of ‘saneness‘.
Once the mind is deconstructed for what it is as the different symbols, pictures,
thoughts, back-chats, habits, internal conversations that it exists as, it
would be easier for one to see, realize, and understand others as self through
their very presentation within their body movements, clothes, facial
expressions, words, etc. — as all hu-man is looking for the same point of/as
the search for/as positive-energy experience through social interaction.
Connections:
Here, I am doing self-forgiveness for some of the connections in this blog for the cross-dressing character. Connections are that which we formed relationships to in this world.
Within and as my manifestation of cross-dressing comes with a lot of
connections — connections to words and how I have lived those words
through and as my interpretation of how I have defined myself and
experienced myself within and as that particular-specific word — such as
the word high-heels. Within this word, there is a connection of
categorizing high-heels as something ‘feminine’, thus, whenever I see
high-heels, my mind suddenly forms and collects the thoughts and
experiences that I had in relation to high-heels, thus, I am not really
actually seeing high-heel shoes as what they are in its purest form, but
am seeing them based on previous experiences that I defined myself
within when seeing high-heels in a previous time / moment. Thus, the
question is — am I really ‘here’ ‘when and as I see anything, or am I
simply seeing / experience whatever it is that I am seeing based on a
relationship in the past that I created about that which I am seeing?
Thus, within and as connections is how we limit ourselves to a
personality that behaves a certain way — sees a certain way — thinks a
certain way based on previous similar times of and as how we defined
ourselves existing with that particular-specific person, place, or
thing. Thus when connecting a person, place, or thing to something else,
we are simply allocating the totality of ourselves back in to a memory
and reliving that memory over and over again. Thus, within applying
self-forgiveness for every connection, we are able to ‘free’ ourselves
from and as our ‘bondage’ that we place ourselves within. Thus here, I
am doing self-forgiveness for some of the connections here in this blog
compilation to and towards cross-dressing to ‘free’ myself from how I
defined cross-dressing as — in my world and reality.
Connections (Positive):
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘femininity’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘femininity’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘femininity’ through judging the word
‘femininity’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘curiosity’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘curiosity’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘curiosity’ through judging the word ‘curiosity’
as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘cross-dress’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘cross-dress’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my
mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ through judging the word
‘cross-dress’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘hermaphrodite’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘hermaphrodite’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my
mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘hermaphrodite’ through judging the word
‘hermaphrodite’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘masculinity’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘masculinity’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my
mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘masculinity’ through judging the word
‘masculinity’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘desire’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘desire’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘desire’ through judging the word ‘desire’ as
‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘childhood’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘childhood’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘childhood’ through judging the word
‘childhood’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘expression’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘expression’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘expression’ through judging the word
‘expression’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the color pink with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the color pink as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the color pink through judging the color
pink as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘make-up’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘make-up’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘make-up’ through judging the word ‘make-up’
as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘femininity’ to the the word ‘soft’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘femininity’ within the the word ‘soft’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘femininity’ and the word ‘soft’ through
defining the word ‘femininity’ within the word ‘soft’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘femininity’ to the the word ‘smooth’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘femininity’ within the the word ‘smooth’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘femininity’ and the word ‘smooth’ through
defining the word ‘femininity’ within the word ‘smooth’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘curiosity’ to the probability of experiencing freedom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘cross-dress’ to the word ‘curiosity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘curiosity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘smooth’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘curiosity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the combination of the fabric called velvet and the color black to
the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the combination of the fabric called velvet and the color black to
the word ‘power’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘hermaphrodite’ to the word ‘wholeness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘hermaphrodite’ within the the word ‘wholeness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘hermaphrodite’ and the word ‘smooth’ through
defining the word ‘hermaphrodite’ within the word ‘wholeness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘masculinity’ to the word ‘self-control’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘masculinity’ within the the word ‘self-control’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘masculinity’ and the word ‘self-control’
through defining the word ‘masculinity’ within the word ‘self-control’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘masculinity’ to the word ‘stoic’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘masculinity’ within the the word ‘stoic’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘masculinity’ and the word ‘stoic’ through
defining the word ‘masculinity’ within the word ‘stoic’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘masculinity’ to the word ‘aggressiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘masculinity’ within the the word ‘aggressiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘masculinity’ and the word ‘aggressiveness’
through defining the word ‘masculinity’ within the word ‘aggressiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘femininity’ to the word ‘water’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘femininity’ within the the word ‘water’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘femininity’ and the word ‘water’ through
defining the word ‘femininity’ within the word ‘water’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘femininity’ to the word ‘authenticity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘femininity’ within the the word ‘authenticity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘femininity’ and the word ‘authenticity’
through defining the word ‘femininity’ within the word ‘authenticity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘desire’ to the word ‘expression’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘desire’ within the the word ‘expression’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘desire’ and the word ‘expression’ through
defining the word ‘desire’ within the word ‘expression’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘desire’ to the word ‘freedom’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘desire’ within the the word ‘freedom’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘desire’ and the word ‘freedom’ through
defining the word ‘desire’ within the word ‘freedom’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘childhood’ to the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘childhood’ within the the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘childhood’ and the word ‘desire’ through
defining the word ‘childhood’ within the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘cross-dress’ to the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘desire’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘expression’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘expression’ within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘expression’ and the word ‘femininity’ through
defining the word ‘expression’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘freedom’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘freedom’ within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘freedom’ and the word ‘femininity’ through
defining the word ‘freedom’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the color pink to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the color pink within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the color pink and the word ‘femininity’ through
defining the color pink within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘make-up’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘make-up’ within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘make-up’ and the word ‘femininity’ through
defining the word ‘make-up’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘dress’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘dress’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘dress’ through judging the word ‘dress’ as
‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the words ‘long torso’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the words ‘long torso’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my
mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the words ‘long torso’ through judging the words ‘long
torso’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the words ‘long dark hair’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the words ‘long dark hair’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my
mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the words ‘long dark hair’ through judging the words
‘long dark hair’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘breast’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘breast’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘breast’ through judging the word ‘breast’ as
‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘cross-dress’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘cross-dress’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my
mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ through judging the word
‘cross-dress’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘childhood’ with a positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘childhood’ as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
separate myself from the word ‘childhood’ through judging the word ‘childhood’
as ‘good’ / ‘positive’ / ‘right’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘dress’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘dress’ within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘dress’ and the word ‘femininity’ through
defining the word ‘dress’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘long torso’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the words ‘long torso’ within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the words ‘long torso’ and the word ‘femininity’
through defining the words ‘long torso’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘long dark hair’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the words ‘long dark hair’ within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the words ‘long dark hair’ and the word ‘femininity’
through defining the words ‘long dark hair’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘breast’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘breast’ within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘breast’ and the word ‘femininity’ through
defining the word ‘breast’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘cross-dress’ to the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘desire’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘desire’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘breast’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘breast’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘breast’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘breast’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘vagina’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘vagina’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘vagina’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘vagina’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘hermaphrodite’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘hermaphrodite’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘hermaphrodite’
through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘hermaphrodite’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘genderqueer’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘genderqueer’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘genderqueer’
through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘genderqueer’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘gender-variant’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘gender-variant’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘gender-variant’
through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘gender-variant’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘Barbie’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘Barbie’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘Barbie’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘Barbie’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘femininity’
through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘femininity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ’cross-dress’ as an imitation of femininity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to my childhood.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ’cross-dress’ as a ‘mirror’ of my childhood.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘childhood’ to the word ‘expression’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘childhood’ within the the word ‘expression’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘childhood’ and the word ‘expression’ through
defining the word ‘childhood’ within the word ‘expression’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘childhood’ to the word ‘wholeness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘childhood’ within the the word ‘wholeness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘childhood’ and the word ‘wholeness’ through
defining the word ‘childhood’ within the word ‘wholeness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ’cross-dress’ as an imitation of wholeness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘childhood’ to the word ‘purity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘childhood’ within the the word ‘purity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘childhood’ and the word ‘purity’ through
defining the word ‘childhood’ within the word ‘purity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ’cross-dress’ as an imitation of purity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘fulfillment’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘fulfillment’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘fulfillment’
through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘fulfillment’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘relationship’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘relationship’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘relationship’
through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘relationship’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘happiness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘happiness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘happiness’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘happiness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘asexual’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘asexual’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘asexual’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘asexual’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘pleasure’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘pleasure’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘pleasure’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘pleasure’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘transgender’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘transgender’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘transgender’
through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘transgender’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘orgasm’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the the word ‘orgasm’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘orgasm’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘orgasm’.
Connections (Neutral):
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘wife-beater’ to the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘wife-beater’ within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘wife-beater’ and the word ‘masculinity’
through defining the word ‘wife-beater’ within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the color blue to the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the color blue within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the color blue and the word ‘masculinity’ through
defining the color blue within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘pants’ to the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘pants’ within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘pants’ and the word ‘masculinity’ through
defining the word ‘pants’ within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the words ‘short dark hair’ to the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the words ‘short dark hair’ within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the words ‘short dark hair’ and the word ‘masculinity’
through defining the words ‘short dark hair’ within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘masculinity’ to the word ‘authenticity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘masculinity’ within the word ‘authenticity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘masculinity’ and the word ‘authenticity’
through defining the word ‘masculinity’ within the word ‘authenticity’.
Connections (Negative):
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘adulthood’ with a negative value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘adulthood’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘adulthood’ through judging the word
‘adulthood’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘conformity’ with a negative value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘conformity’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘conformity’ through judging the word
‘conformity’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘masculinity’ with a negative value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘masculinity’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘masculinity’ through judging the word
‘masculinity’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘femininity’ with a negative value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘femininity’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘femininity’ through judging the word
‘femininity’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to charge the word ‘cross-dress’ with a negative value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to judge the word ‘cross-dress’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ through judging the word
‘cross-dress’ as ‘bad’ / ‘negative’ / ‘wrong’ within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘adulthood’ to the word ‘conformity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘adulthood’ within the word ‘conformity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘adulthood’ and the word ‘conformity’ through
defining the word ‘adulthood’ within the word ‘conformity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘adulthood’ to the word ‘boredom’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘adulthood’ within the word ‘boredom’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘adulthood’ and the word ‘boredom’ through
defining the word ‘adulthood’ within the word ‘boredom’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘adulthood’ to the word ‘impurity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘adulthood’ within the word ‘impurity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘adulthood’ and the word ‘impurity’ through
defining the word ‘adulthood’ within the word ‘impurity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘conformity’ to the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘conformity’ within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘conformity’ and the word ‘masculinity’
through defining the word ‘conformity’ within the word ‘masculinity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘masculinity’ to the word ‘authenticity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘masculinity’ within the word ‘authenticity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘masculinity’ and the word ‘authenticity’
through defining the word ‘masculinity’ within the word ‘authenticity’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ‘femininity’ to the word ‘fear’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘femininity’ within the word ‘fear’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘femininity’ and the word ‘fear’ through
defining the word ‘femininity’ within the word ‘fear’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to Caucasian males’ faces.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ when looking at Caucasian males’ faces.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and seeing Caucasian males’
faces through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ when looking
at Caucasian males’ faces
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘submissiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘submissiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘submissiveness’
through defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘submissiveness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘fear’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘fear’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘fear’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘fear’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to connect the word ’cross-dress’ to the word ‘control’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to define the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘control’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to separate myself from the word ‘cross-dress’ and the word ‘control’ through
defining the word ‘cross-dress’ within the word ‘control’.
Dictionary Definition of the word Dress:
Verb:
1. Put on clothes “dress
the patient”; “Can the child dress by herself?”; “we had to dress quickly”
2. Provide with clothes or put clothes on “Parents must feed and dress their child”
3. Put a finish on “dress the surface smooth”
4. Wear clothes in a certain manner or of a certain style
“She dresses in the latest Paris fashion”; “he dressed up in a suit and tie”
5. Dress or groom with elaborate care “She likes to dress when going to the opera”
6. Kill and prepare for market or consumption “dress a turkey”
7. Arrange in ranks “dress troops”
8. Decorate (food), as with parsley or other ornamental foods
9. Provide with decoration “dress the windows”
10. (cooking) put a dressing on “dress the salads”
11. Cultivate, tend, and cut back the growth of “dress the plants in the garden”
12. Cut down rough-hewn (lumber) to standard thickness and width
13. Convert into leather “dress the tanned skins”
14. (medicine) apply a bandage or medication to “dress the victim’s wounds”
15. Give a neat appearance to “dress the horses”
16. Style or arrange hair attractively “dress my hair for the wedding”
2. Provide with clothes or put clothes on “Parents must feed and dress their child”
3. Put a finish on “dress the surface smooth”
4. Wear clothes in a certain manner or of a certain style
“She dresses in the latest Paris fashion”; “he dressed up in a suit and tie”
5. Dress or groom with elaborate care “She likes to dress when going to the opera”
6. Kill and prepare for market or consumption “dress a turkey”
7. Arrange in ranks “dress troops”
8. Decorate (food), as with parsley or other ornamental foods
9. Provide with decoration “dress the windows”
10. (cooking) put a dressing on “dress the salads”
11. Cultivate, tend, and cut back the growth of “dress the plants in the garden”
12. Cut down rough-hewn (lumber) to standard thickness and width
13. Convert into leather “dress the tanned skins”
14. (medicine) apply a bandage or medication to “dress the victim’s wounds”
15. Give a neat appearance to “dress the horses”
16. Style or arrange hair attractively “dress my hair for the wedding”
Noun:
1. A one-piece garment for a
woman; has skirt and bodice
2. Clothing of a distinctive style or for a particular occasion “battle dress”
3. Clothing in general “fastidious about his dress”
2. Clothing of a distinctive style or for a particular occasion “battle dress”
3. Clothing in general “fastidious about his dress”
Adjective:
1. Suitable for formal occasions “a
full-dress uniform”; “dress shoes”
2. (of an occasion) requiring formal clothes “a dress dinner”; “a full-dress ceremony”
2. (of an occasion) requiring formal clothes “a dress dinner”; “a full-dress ceremony”
Dress: The (D) dimension of and as a person /
individual as a ‘character’ portrayed in an (E) Experience where (R)
relationships were established between/as particular-specific pictures/forms,
and depending on the magnitude = (D) dimension of the picture/form — according
to how one has defined themselves as with the particular/specific picture/form
came the (R) relationship manifested within and as (E) energy-connections of
love, hate, anger, fear etc. Thus, (S) self imitates the (S) picture, form,
color, shape that self is representing oneself in/as their mind creating (SS)
an exact duplicate of that picture, form, color, shape existing as a character
that tries to speak and behave like the original picture presentation / model —
creating / establishing self as a ‘dress’ / personality suit that one portrays
self as — seeing that if one was to cross-dress would mean to take the ‘dress’
/ personality suit of another that has already imitated a picture/form, and
create / dress self into and as that imitation-form (creating additional
dresses) — not seeing, realizing, and understanding that the ‘dress’ was never
real, but simply an imitation from an original source — taking that original
source and interpreting it’s value, wholeness, and integrity within and as an
individual — of which if one was able to remove the dress / personality-suit by
actually — similar to undressing physically — take one’s hands — as the hands
represent physical-practical application, and apply self through writing and
self-forgiveness — one is able to release oneself from the dresses that self
has defined self as — to give the actual expression / integrity back to the
physical (original) instead of forming / creating relationships to/as ‘energy’
from our magnitudes / dimensions of the participation in the mind.
Dress: A person’s dimensions and magnitudes of
their personality that represent a person as a character portrayed in
experiences where relationships are established between anything that a
person’s eyes is attracted to, and depending on the magnitude of that
attraction to whatever it is that a person is attracted to according to how one
defined themselves as in relation to that particular-specific person, place, or
thing — came the relationship manifested as an energy-connection of love, hate,
anger, fear, etc. Thus, the person actually copies him or herself to imitate
the very thing that that person is attracted to — shaping oneself into a
‘character’ that tries to speak and behave like the original source — creating
oneself a ‘dress’ or a ‘personality-suit’ that one is believing themselves to
be within the particular-specific thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions,
ideas, beliefs, etc. that are being portrayed. Thus, to cross-dress would be to
take the ‘dress’ / personality-suit of another person and try to imitate that —
creating an imitation of an imitation. This thus, one never realizes that the
dress was never real, but simply an illusion, and this is what relationships
represent in essence — crossing your behaviors with other behaviors — creating
a personality with various different personality-suits. Thus, we are all, from this
perspective, cross-dressers. If one was to in writing and self-forgiveness
commit oneself to a process of realizing that self is not defined by
relationships as myriads of ‘dresses’ / personality-suits, we can give the
actual expression / integrity back to the physical (original source), and then
actually express ourselves as who we are within and as the physical.
bravely self-honest.
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