Aren't we all Genderfluid?

So I've been doing lots of research on gender and gender identity. What I find most interesting about gender is how gender is more of a spectrum rather than a binary between male and female. We tend to think that there are only two genders which are male and female because it is the way that we have been brought up to think, but if we do a bit more research, we can see that there are more genders. In the Bugis society of Indonesia, there are five genders that are acknowledged which are the cisgender male, the cisgender female, and then we have the Bissu, the Calabai, and the Calalai. The term cisgender simply means that an individual's general experience of themselves as a male, for example, matches their physical sex as a male.

Now the terms sex and gender have been intertwined to be defined as relatively the same thing, but above, I mentioned that gender is more of a spectrum rather than a binary. Now when I describe gender, what I am describing is basically one's general experience of oneself as a male, or a female, but there are also people that describe their internal experience of themselves as feeling like something in between male and female, neither male nor female and / or something 'beyond' the male and female spectrum regardless of their physical sex.

Also, what interests me is that I realize, I have never been constant with my identity as a male meaning that my general experience of being a male has never been constant. There has always been a fluctuation which I have come to see, realize, and understand primarily, in my adulthood years -- by becoming more of aware of the internal sensations and experiences within myself regarding gender. For me personally, the fluctuation can shift from experiencing an intense 'maleness' experience of myself to a more indistinct experience depending on the person that I in the vicinity of and / or environment.

There is actually a gender identity for this called 'situational genderfluid'; so it is cool that there are other people out there that recognize these shifts within themselves, and label them as gender identities which I primarily use as references to different shifts and experiences that emerge within myself. Because we have to realize that each and every shift, movement, and / or pattern that emerges within ourselves is a part of us as an identity that we have the opportunity to understand in relation to why these particular patterns and shifts transpire within ourselves.

So getting back to my own internal sensations and experiences within myself regarding gender, I stated that these internal sensations and experiences can fluctuate from an intense 'maleness' experience of myself to a more indistinct experience depending on the person and / or environment. On the contrary if I am alone, there is a sense of stability, therefore, there no recognizable shifts, but that doesn't mean that there are no shifts occurring on deeper levels within myself, but that I am simply not aware of them happening. When I am around certain males, such as some older Caucasian males or African and African-American males contingent on the shape of their physical anatomy, there will be a shift towards a feminine experience with a perpetual indistinct masculine experience.

Here's a quote from Kate Bornstein, that personally for me, hits 'home' in relation to how we tend to change gender experiences from time-to-time.

"Well here's what I think: I think all of us do change our genders. All the time. Maybe it's not as dramatic as some tabloid headline screaming "She Was a He!" But we do, each of us, change our genders.  In response to each interaction we have with a new or different person, we subtly shift the kind of man or woman, boy or girl, or whatever gender we're being at the moment. We're usually not the same kind of man or woman with our love as we are with our boss or a parent. When we're introduced for the first time to someone we find attractive, we shift into being a different kind of man or woman than we are with our childhood friends. We all change our genders. I'm just saying it's time we knew exactly what we are doing and why."

So the quote by Kate Bornstein above is something that I realized I have done for the most part of my life, but really never been quite aware of this shifting in relation to gender experiences. I never even knew something like this could exist, but I realize how it does now that I look at it. I can see how I molded and shaped myself to be a certain way around both males and females that contributes to many parts of my personality and behavior.

With my mom, for instance, my 'male' experience shift into an experience of me being a college boy, and some of what contributes to this experience is wanting to please my mom to tacitly express to her that I am a growing and developing 'real' man. Around other females, this masculine experience would change into a different type of masculine experience that is a product of what I believe to be the male expression of what a female is attracted to. In church, this male expression would change into a different type of male expression that is even more heightened because of how I defined 'maleness' in relation to 'morality'.

Around males in general, there is a level of 'toughness' that I portray to cover up any signs of effeminacy, and so I will center myself more within my shoulders with my arms slightly more spread out as a way of tacitly expressing to other males that I am 'man' enough. So I can see here that what I am doing is suppressing parts of myself that I defined as 'feminine' so that I will not come off as 'weak' or 'frail', but within doing this, I am actually embodying the word 'weakness' and 'frailty' through an illusion of 'masculinity', and therefore, creating 'instability' within myself in relation to the 'feminine' expression which can contribute to experiences of gender fluidity between masculinity and femininity -- not saying this this IS the cause of gender fluidity, but is one dimension that can contribute to having a gender fluid experience. So in the next blog, I'd like to write some self-forgivenesses in relation to this point to go deeper in order to assess some of the deeper associations that contributed to my own gender-fluid experience.

The Gender Spectrum

So I was looking at the word 'non-binary' the other day in relation to gender, and according to a Gender Wiki that describes what 'non-binary' is, non-ninary genders are gender identities that don't fit within the accepted binary of male and female. For me, I think of 'gender' in itself like a sine wave with a line running in the middle that represents two polarities. On one end of the spectrum, you have the 'masculine male', and on the other end of the spectrum, you have the 'feminine female'. So one person may identify as a masculine male, which in the LGBT community is called a 'cisgendered' person. A 'cisgendered' male is a male that is aligned to their experience of themselves being a male. This goes the same with a female. A 'cisgendered' female is a female that is aligned to their experience of themselves being a female. So on the gender binary, they would be on the opposite ends of each other. Then you have all of the other 'genders' on the gender spectrum.

'Gender' is basically the GENeral experience of oneself DEtermining one's Reaction to the external world -- which differs from one's physical sex. One's physical sex will always be pretty much consistent such as male, female, intersex, or transsexual if one is physically transitioning using hormonal therapy. And it is this 'general experience' of oneself that can be 'infinite' in relation to the specific experience because the experience can change in intensity; it can change in its position on the gender spectrum, and it can go 'above' or 'below the gender polarity line which I represent as a sine wave. It can even have two points where, for instance, one point may be positioned relatively close to the 'masculine' position, and another point can be positioned slightly 'above' the gender spectrum near the 'feminine' position which would, for instance, represent feeling 'feminine', but at the same time feeling like something else other than 'feminine', but not quite 'masculine'. This would technically represent a gender identity called 'bigender' because of one point being positioned relatively close to the 'masculine' position, and the other point being positioned slightly 'above' the gender spectrum near the 'feminine' position, but the person may not 'feel' as though they want label themselves as that. So there are a lot of nuances involved with gender identity that are contingent on particular internal experiences.

So for me, it has been a long journey of trying to label what gender identity I am because of the position on the gender spectrum, and the intensity of that experience that changes all of the time. I can say that most of the time, there is a stable 'masculine' experience because I have lived as the definition of a 'man' and how I perceive that a 'man' should express himself, but I can say that the intensity and experience changes either unexpectedly, or depending on the situation or the thoughts at the time. Here in this blog, I'd like to explore the 'feelings' / 'experiences' of what constitutes the experience of having a 'gender identity'. And I would like to explore and challenge the 'feelings' that are attached to 'gender identity' through self-forgiveness. You can read my blog about self-forgiveness here to get a better understanding of the basis of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a 'feeling' to define me.

I commit myself to assess the internal feelings that I perceive as a 'gender identity', because I see, realize, and understand that when I try to identify a certain 'feeling' with a name, as a way of describing the structure of the feeling, I can also discern the content, and the memories that are attached to it that gives that 'feeling' its essence through my participation in it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my 'gender identity' is my general experience of myself that I have become most 'integrated' into (in my mind) on a physio-phsychological level, in relation to genetics, and / or through participating in a particular pattern (habit), for a tenacious (unyielding) period of time, that I have become that pattern which resonates an 'experience' that I perceive as a 'general experience' of myself, and that 'masculinity' and 'femininity' are just two 'general experiences' that are two of the most common and obvious out of a hodgepodge array.


I commit myself to assess deeper dimensions of myself that constitutes to patterns that I participate in on a daily basis, and assess the 'experience' / 'feelings' that I have connected to those patterns that can constitute to a 'general experience' of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special if I label myself as a specific gender identity such as 'bigender' or 'non-binary'.

I see, realize, and understand that when I depend on something 'separate' from me, such as 'gender', to give me an experience of being 'special', it is because of me wanting to inflate the value of my self-interests.

I see, realize, and understand that when I want to inflate the value of my self-interests, that that is all that I 'live' for, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding how the world works, and how I can contribute to being a 'vessel' that brings an 'awareness' to the world in a way that will assist and support someone in giving them a new perspective / outlook on 'life' and what it means to take responsibility for oneself and one's actions.

I commit myself to release myself from my self-interests through speaking and writing self-forgivenesses which are 'blueprints' in the form of 'words' as 'declarations' of self-change.

I commit myself to expand myself by understanding what contributes to the things that I 'like' and the things that I do not 'like' because I see, realize, and understand how I use what I 'like' and what I don't like to create my 'ego' which becomes patterns of self-interests that I use to keep me 'victimized' to 'feelings' that are 'seeds' of what creates and reinforces my experiences to what I 'like' and what I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to define myself as something other than 'male' in order to be happy.

I see, realize, and understand how I can live an 'experience' physically and eventually become tired of that experience because of it not giving me the pleasureful 'feelings' that I perceive that the experience once offered me, and how this becomes a pattern throughout my life of living a life like a vampire that defines life based on a 'feelings' that becomes my 'lifeblood' of 'satisfaction' and 'fulfillment'. I see, realize, and understand how all other parts of life that are not defined within 'feelings' or, essentially, do not provide me with a stimulated 'response' to it are essentially 'ignored' and 'ostracized' because of how I integrated myself more within the fabric of 'feelings' and 'stimulation', and I see, realize, and understand how me creating a habit of researching the nuances of gender identity, and trying to 'match' my internal 'feelings' with a gender-orientated word becomes a 'representation' of this mind-fuck because of it being something done from the starting-point of wanting to feel 'more complete' about myself as an individual with a word that is an 'external', structural representation that describes my 'internal' experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that an experience cannot offer me 'pleasure', but that it is me projecting my 'internal responses' / 'reaction' to 'experiences' that, thus, creates the 'illusion' that the 'experience' itself is offering me 'pleasure' because of how I diminished myself to 'experiences' instead of directing experiences self-honestly.

I see, realize, and understand that when I do not direct experiences, I am 'dishonest'.

I commit myself to -- when I use words to define a 'feeling' as a way of giving it more 'structure' and 'comprehensibility' -- to use that word to assess deeper dimensions of myself that is responsible for creating the essence and expression of the word I chose to represent the 'feeling' and internal responses.

I commit myself to assess what all in my life I have 'missed' due to me 'ignoring' or not wanting to explore a part of me or a part of life because of it not giving me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally 'stimulates' me.

I commit myself to assess why is it that I 'blame' the things that do not give me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally stimulates me.

I commit myself to take responsibility to stop blaming the things in life that do not give me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally stimulates me, by assessing its value that can assist me in expanding my outlook in my life, and expanding my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how blame comprises of a modest (small) amount of anger, and how that modest amount of anger is covered up by things and people that 'stimulate' me, and how that modest amount of anger that resides within the point of 'blame' is reinforced every time that I accept and allow myself to exist in a pattern of being stimulated by something or someone instead of stopping or slowing myself down in that moment to really see, realize, and understand the nature of stimulated experience, and why it has become a point of conciliation (pacification) to cover up my qualm (uneasiness) to 'reality'.

I will continue in the next blog.......

Jar Full O' Gender Patterns SF

Here in this blog, I am continuing with the blog called 'Jar Full O' Gender Patterns' with some self-forgivenesses. You can read my blog about self-forgiveness here to get a better understanding of the 'use' of self-forgiveness. In the previous blog, I mentioned my realization in relation to how I judged 'masculinity' as 'limited', and desired to 'expand' masculinity by adding 'feminine' elements to my 'masculine' expression by taking the concept of 'toughness' as a perceived 'masculine' trait, and 'testing' it out by embracing 'femininity'. As a 'man', I believed that a man shouldn't 'resist' embracing 'femininity' because that resistance in itself means that the man is not representing that 'toughness' attribute that makes a man a 'man', and so embracing femininity is one thing that I did in my life to 'expand' and 'diversify' my 'masculine' expression. And one way that I embraced 'femininity' is through cross-dressing -- which is wearing clothes of the opposite gender. I realize that there are a myriad of reasons that contributed to my point of cross-dressing, but this would be one reason. What I didn't realize though is how 'masculinity' and 'femininity' are limited to, predominantly, behavioral patterns, and the clothing that define what a 'male' and a 'female' is, and here, I will start the self-forgiveness process to expand on this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'strutting' within walking as a 'masculine expression'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the distancing of arms slightly from the rest of the physical body, and concomitant with the act of sticking the chest out as a 'masculine expression'.

I commit myself to collapse all definitions and judgments of something / someone being 'masculine' or 'feminine' from the perspective of defining / judging them based on how I perceive 'masculinity' and 'femininity' to be, and instead, use 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as 'references' rather than absolute 'labels' that I assign to something / someone (including myself).

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I am 'challenging' when I 'challenge' the perceived 'nature' of 'masculinity' are all of the different patterns and behaviors that contribute to what and how I define masculinity as, and when I challenge 'masculinity' with 'femininity', by adopting certain 'feminine' patterns and expressions, that this 'challenges' the patterns and behaviors of 'masculinity', but perpetuates the total 'programming' of what I perceive 'gender identity' to be, and so thus, remain 'locked' in and as the 'matrix' of gender identity, which I will also indirectly facilitate the 'evolution' thereof (which is the evolution of gender identity, and all of the consequences that are related to gender identity such as misogynism, rape, gender inequality, feminism, etc.).

I commit myself to when I 'challenge' something, to challenge the entire foundation of it instead of only parts of it because I realize that when I only challenge a part of something, that this is actually self-manipulation, and not done from a starting-point of self-honesty, but rather, done from the point of wanting to keep parts of it so I can still have a 'back door' of participation in it which will create 'consequence' instead of actual 'change' and 'stability'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that wearing a 'pink shirt' is more of a 'feminine' expression.

I commit myself to collapse my definition of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' so I can clearly see, realize, and understand my reason for defining something as 'masculine' or 'feminine', and to from that 'seeing', correct my starting-point as a way of making sure that my reason for defining something as being 'masculine' or 'feminine' is not done out of a 'fear' or an 'embarrassment', but is done just as a 'reference' instead of a 'label'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define or judge what I do or what I 'wear' as a 'masculine' or 'feminine' expression, and desire to be praised for what I 'do' or what I 'wear' so that I can be 'validated' as being a man that 'correctly' expresses 'masculinity' or being a female that 'correctly' expresses 'femininity' to be able to 'fit in' with what is 'most acceptable' in society' so that I do not get ostracized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear clothes that have been assigned a 'masculine' or 'feminine' role and to adopt either a 'masculine' or a 'feminine' behavior to be 'validated by others so that I do not get 'ostracized' by society.

I commit myself to ask myself what am I not giving to myself from the perspective that I have to go out and 'dress' or 'act' a certain way in order to feel 'validated'.

I commit myself to expose the 'programming', which are the experiences, the words, the behaviors, the reactions, etc. that constitutes to me hiding myself behind a 'personality-suit' that constantly has to be 'validated' to have an 'acceptable expression'. I commit myself bring that 'consistent expression' out of myself which is that 'self' that never has to 'change' when interacting with other people by learning how to 'accept' myself and learning how to see all of the self-judgements that I have put up that constitutes to the 'product' of the 'personality-suits' that I 'act out' in self-diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the 'softness' that a female attributes to a 'feminine' expression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'softness' that a female attributes is a word that I use to describe the fat-distribution of a female compared to a male's fat-distribution of human adipose tissue, and the experience of 'attraction' that I attached to the way that a female's fat-distribution creates the overall shape of their body.

I commit myself to when I am defining something, such as a female body part to realize that the most effective way of defining something is to touch it, and if I do not have access to touching it, find access to it or use my own body parts, and describe the 'feel' (or texture) of it directly. I see, realize, and understand that when I touch my own body parts, it is rather more 'springy' than 'soft'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'softness' that a female attributes is also a product of my attraction to a female's physical body that gets projected into a female's physical behavior that makes it seem as though the female has 'elegance' and 'beauty' in the way they 'move' or express themselves instead of realizing that this 'gracefulness' is a projection of my experience of 'attraction' to a female that emanates an 'attraction-experience' that I define as 'soft'.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the experience of 'attraction' to females because I realize how the experience of attraction can create ideas that then gets attached to physical behavior which then inflates that physical behavior in my mind as something that is 'special'. I commit myself to when and as there is a feeling of attraction emerging within myself to, instead of going into my mind to perpetuate it, to see how those feelings move in my physical body to gain an awareness of how feelings (which is energy) moves within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself realize that my desire to incorporate 'softness' within 'masculinity' is my desire to have that same experience of 'attraction' to myself that I have with females by making myself resemble a female, and using that experience of 'attraction' to myself as a 'measurement' of how effective I can make myself 'look female' which will create a sense of how well I have 'integrated' the 'feminine' expression into myself.

I commit myself to stop using 'feelings' as a 'measurement' of something to prove my 'like' or 'dislike' of it / them.

I commit myself to stop making decisions based on my 'likes' or 'dislikes' about something / someone, and to start making decisions from the starting-point of 'weighing decisions', and choosing a decision that will be most 'beneficial' to the situation.

I see, realize and understand that 'fashion' is a product of 'gender identity' and social culture.

I commit myself to stop trying to validate myself contingent on what the 'trending' fashion is at the moment.

I will continue in future blogs....

Jar Full O' Gender Patterns

One thing that I always wanted to do in my life was to be 'more' of a man, and I didn't like the way that being 'more' of a man was presented as in my life such as, for instance, having more of a 'strut' in your walk which is walking with a lofty proud manner of walking, and often in an attempt to impress others. Other ways that 'being a man' is presented as that gives the definition of 'masculinity' some 'validation' is, for instance, distancing your arms slightly from the rest of your physical body and sticking your chest out as a way of showing 'strength'. These have all become physical expressions of 'masculinity'.

In my mind, I've always liked to challenge the perceived 'nature' of 'masculinity'. To me, the physical and mental expressions of what masculinity is is what I found limiting because if a man is not constantly expressing these particular standards of what defines a man as a 'man', then that man is questioned or 'resisted'.

For example, one standard that does not completely align to masculinity would be wearing a pink shirt. For me, there were plenty of times where I have worn a pink shirt in the past and have gotten many neutral and 'positive' remarks both from males and females because over the years, pink has been a color that has been consistenly worn by females, and because the color pink is a color that has been consistently worn by females over time, the color pink will more align to the definition of what comprises 'femininity' rather than masculinity.

Another expression that more aligns to the definition and culture of 'femininity' is the word 'soft', and one attribute that supports the word 'soft' to be aligned to the definition and culture of 'femininity' is the texture of females' skin which has the appearance and the 'feel' of 'softness' compared to a male's appearance and 'feel' of their skin. Although, the texture of males' skin are also relatively soft, one thing that can contribute to the appearance and texture of males' skin appearing more 'rough' is the amount of body hair on a male, the muscles, and the hair follicles which make the skin appear to have a rougher texture.

So I took this definition of 'softness' and played with it. I wanted to expand the definition of masculinity by incorporating the word 'softness' as an attribute of masculinity which is 'naturally' an attribute of femininity, and one way that I did this was for instance, shaving my legs to have an appearance of 'soft' skin, wearing makeup to have an appearance of a 'soft', smooth face, wearing clothing that are advertised for females, and changing the way that I physically move (predominantly only done when wearing clothes that are advertised for females) to more 'graceful' movements such as the swaying of the hands, and incorporating what is called the 'limp wrist' as a physical gesture.

So I began changing the definition of masculinity as a person who expresses both 'masculine' and 'feminine' characteristics believing that: 1) challenging the definition of what a man is is 'facing' the 'natural resistances' that men commonly resist in a man that is not consistently aligning to the 'normal' standards of what it means to be a 'man', and 2) incorporating characteristics that are not normally aligned to the standards and the definition of what a 'man' is, such as incorporating standards of the definition of 'femininity' for example, will make the man a more 'well-rounded' man.

So within this, I didn't realize what I was actually doing, and what I am actually doing is creating an illusion of expanding the definition of what a man is because I realize that the definition of what a man is cannot exist in patterns, and this is what I was reacting to which are the patterns that define a man. The patterns of what a 'man' is are defined within what 'masculinity' is / has been defined as which are the things I stated earlier such as: having more of a 'strut' in your walk which is walking with a lofty proud manner of walking, and often in an attempt to impress others, and distancing your arms slightly from the rest of your physical body along with sticking your chest out as a way of showing 'strength'. These have all actually become physical patterns of 'masculinity' rather than real expressions, and these physical patterns of 'masculinity' are copied by most men in the world. What happens is that a 'value' is created to these patterns, and the man becomes diminished by them thinking that the patterns are what makes a man a 'man' when they are just patterns (like puzzle pieces) that men have put together over time which other men duplicate to create the 'idea' of what 'masculinity' is. This goes the same for females.

So what I was doing in my life within that phase was expanding the definition of 'masculinity' by merging both 'masculine' and 'feminine' patterns into me, and thinking that if I 'merge' them together I will be 'more' of a man, but these patterns are not really 'masculine' patterns nor 'feminine' patterns. They are just patterns of physical behaviors, physical appearance, physical gestures, words, sounds, etc. that have been adopted and expressed by males and females. I mean, virtually anyone can 'act' like a 'man' or a 'woman' by, for example, putting your hand on your hips. This motion has been adopted as more of a 'feminine' gesture, but anyone can do it. It's not that a man cannot. The problem is, again, the 'value' that has been attached to it, and what is this 'value'?

Well first, imagine that you have a jar that is shaped like the physical body of a male. Put all of the physical behaviors, the physical appearances of what comprises a 'male' (such as 'short' hair), the physical gestures, the words, sounds, etc. that has been defined as 'masculine' into that jar, and see them as puzzle pieces. The 'value' is seeing that 'jar', for example, as something 'sacred', and so imagine that you 'add' the 'feminine' gesture of putting your hand on your hips as a 'puzzle piece' into to the same jar, and then placing the jar into a 'safe' to 'protect' it from being 'destroyed' because of the belief that if it's destroyed, then it will destroy your entire identity of the 'who you are' that you created yourself to be (which is all of the puzzle pieces in that jar that represents what a 'man' is).

So this is 'essentially' what most people are doing (which is creating a 'value' to a 'jar' that represents their 'masculine' or 'feminine' expression. The only difference is that for me, what I did was not only have a 'jar' of 'masculine' patterns, but what I did was instead of adding different 'feminine' patterns into the same jar, I created my gender identity to be more 'bigendered' rather than 'androgynous' meaning that I created an 'extra' jar that is shaped like a female, placed various 'feminine' patterns into that jar, and kept the 'masculine jar' and 'feminine jar' separate most of the time, and merged both jars at times, into one which was projected into and as the 'expression' of 'cross-dressing'. But all of these expressions on the spectrum of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' are essentially the same because they all use the same patterns; they are just switched around, shifted, exchanged, manipulated, amended, etc. So in the next blog, I will write some self-forgivenesses, and then look at redefining 'masculinity' and 'femininity'.

Defining the word 'Masculinity' within and as My Mind

Here is this blog, I am investigating how I defined the word 'masculinity' within my mind based on 'memories' that I 'valued' within my life that I used to create and construct the definition of 'masculinity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'weakness' to the word 'masculinity' through the belief that to be 'masculine' is to be 'strong' and to not be 'masculine' is to be 'weak'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be 'strong' is to 'adhere' to my step-father's principle that I suppose to 'fight back' when someone is physically abusing me, and believe that if I do not 'fight back' -- then I am 'weak', and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'intensify' this belief through reacting in a positive energy-experience when and as I applied this point in physical reality when fighting a boy around the age of eleven years old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an 'experience' of 'happiness' and 'vulnerability' within myself as a child walking home from school, and 'channel' that 'experience' within saying 'Hi' to an African-American male stranger walking on the other side of the street, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of 'fear' and 'humiliation' within myself when and as he did not say 'Hi' back, but rather, looked at me with 'disgrace'.

And so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be 'masculine' is to 'suppress' the 'experience' of 'happiness' within myself, and to 'super-impose' that 'experience' of 'happiness' with apathy.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be apathetic is to be masculine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as an 'experience' of being 'humiliated' when and as I was asked to spell the words "I CUP" (which sounds like "I see you pee"): believing that based on the reaction of the two boys that were in a public restroom with me at school, that spelling the words "I CUP" is 'gay'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'gay' to the word 'weak'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as creating an 'experience' within myself of being 'weak' when and as the two boys in a public restroom at school asked me to spell the words "I CUP" (which sounds like "I see you pee") -- through connecting the same experience of 'humiliation' that I had to the African-American male stranger to the 'experience' with the two boys that asked me to spell the words "I CUP".

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the 'experience' of being 'humiliated' to the word 'gay' through seeing men that are defined as 'gay' become 'humiliated' by other males, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my 'experience' of being 'happy' and 'vulnerable' within the memory of when I encountered the African-American male stranger through 'regenerating' that 'experience' of 'happiness' and 'vulnerability' within hugging a male in 'college' and 'intensify' that 'experience' through blaming the 'African-American male' for not 'reciprocating' my gesture of 'happiness' in an 'equal' or 'similar' matter, and so within that, desire to 're-experience' the 'feeling' that I generated within myself when hugging the particular male in college with and to other males.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'vulnerable' to the African-American male that I encountered one day coming home from school because of my size compared to his size through creating a 'fear' of being 'attacked' by the African-American male based on his physical demeanor that I defined as 'negative'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'vulnerable' to the African-American male that I encountered one day coming home from school based on a back-chat that I had of, "I want to see how this man will respond if I smile at him. It's okay to smile." through already forming a negative connection to the word 'happiness', and so within this, generate an 'experience' of 'happiness' within myself and connect it word 'vulnerability' that I defines as an 'expression' of being 'open' and 'unresistant'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I generated the experience of 'vulnerability' within myself based on how I defined the 'experience' of 'happiness' as an 'inferiority' through previous memories, and so within this, use the 'experience' of 'vulnerability' towards the African-American male based on a 'back-chat' of "It's okay to be happy and friendly to males."

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a 'positive energy-experience' to males that have 'homosexual tendencies' (within 'societal programming) through channeling my memory of me experiencing myself as 'happy' and 'vulnerable' to / towards the African-American male that had a demeanor that I defined as 'negative' to towards males that have 'homosexual tendencies', and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the demeanor of males that have 'homosexual tendencies' to my experience of being 'happy' and 'vulnerable', and thus, create a 'platonic attraction' to males that have 'homosexual tendencies' (from the perspective of believing that they have a 'resemblance' of 'demeanor' to mine as being 'happy' and 'unresistant' to male interactions).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define particular physical movements and behaviors as 'homosexual' movements, and believe that when and as someone 'attributes' those particular 'movements' -- believe that they have 'homosexual tendencies' instead of realizing that it is my own judgments that I projected onto particular physical movements that I limited myself within and as -- which I use to manipulate my own perception about myself / others.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to redefine the word 'masculinity' through investigating the words that I connected to the word 'masculinity' which are the words that 'give life' to my 'experience' of 'masculinity' in my world / reality, and investigate how I 'play out' those words in physical reality through physical behavior.

I and commit myself to, instead of being an 'effect' of the words that I connected to the word 'masculinity' which I 'express' within 'physical behavior' -- see how I can 'redefine' my relationship to words through 'directing myself' in physical reality as a point of 'equalizing' myself with words.

I commit myself to 'equalize' myself with words by understanding my 'relationship' to words, and how I have 'programmed' myself within physical behavior through memories to 'act out' words based on how words 'affect' me within my life.

I commit myself to see, realize, and develop an 'awareness' to memories, and to see, realize, and understand how 'words'  and 'pictures' are the 'building blocks' of memories that gives memories 'life' when and as I 'react' to memories.

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that I 'react' to memories when and as I participate in 'emotions' and 'feelings' within my world / reality.

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that memories create how I emotionally perceive myself and others within my world / reality.

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that I become an 'affect' of how I 'emotionally' perceive myself and others.

I commit myself to, instead of being an 'affect' of words and pictures, as the building blocks of memories -- to 'release' myself from how I 'patterned' words within myself that influences my physical behavior. I commit myself to 're-pattern' words by releasing both the 'fear' of not be 'masculine', and the 'desire' to be masculine through investigating the memories within myself -- as words and pictures that I use to define the word 'masculine'. I commit myself to join the Desteni I Process Lite courses to get perspective of what emotions and feelings are and how they influence me, and I commit myself to check out Earth's Journey to Life blogs on how to redefine words effectively.

The Crossdressing Elephant

Here, I am doing self-forgiveness from different perspectives of how we, as a society place value within and as accessories / ornaments, and put them on the elephant within a circus performance, as the accessories / ornaments make them look more 'presentable', and gives the performance more of a pizzazz. Thus, within this blog, I look at the relation between cross-dressing, and elephants wearing accessories / ornaments to make them have more of a pizzazz appearance that supposedly helps 'bring out' a circus performance, and cross-dressing as a reflection of the particular-specific energetics -- that brings out 'more of' what it is within one's mind that has become the reason for cross-dressing.

As the Person that is Being Entertained by the Circus Performance:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see an elephant perform that which I see as entertaining -- as the particular-specific physical body movements, processes, and positions that I judge as appealing to the eye -- allow myself to judge what is being presented as their 'circus uniforms' -- a delightful presentation that adds to the particular-specific performances a particular 'vibrance' or pizzazz.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see an elephant perform particular circus tricks -- from the perspective of seeing, realizing, and understanding that all of my reactions to and as the particular-specific performances, and the pictured-presentation that the elephant is presenting as a particular-specific 'dress', or 'circus uniform' -- reflects how I have defined myself in and as 'subtle' ways -- within and as how I 'dress' and present myself amongst and as others in my world and realty. Thus, am only justifying who I am -- as the nature of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become -- through 'entertainment'.

I commit myself to -- when and as existing in a point of positive-energy experiences / reactions through and as entertainment, see where / how that energetic point as a reaction of entertainment play-out within and as me -- as that point of/as 'entertainment' is an out-flow manifestation of an acceptance and allowance within and as me that I have not directed in equality and oneness 'here'. Thus, what I 'see' as 'entertaining' is that which I am 'separate' from -- in which I created a positive-energy experience in me as a 'reaction'. For example, when I put a bra on, I suddenly / automatically get a 'good feeling' within me from the experience. Using one of my previous experiences of me putting on a bra, I suddenly / automatically got a 'good feeling' out of it because of my desire to be a man, but with female body parts. This desire came from different experiences in my life that formed / created this 'good feeling' in me when and as putting on a bra. When I put on a bra, it makes me feel as though I am making my ego less as a man while at the same time incorporating a 'softness' point -- as females / femininity, thus, equalizing both male and female together in my mind -- because of how I believed a man, in general, to be -- as positioned more in their lives into/as a 'superior' role, and the female positioned more in their lives into/as an 'inferior' role. Thus, within wearing a bra / breasts, I would channel that 'fear' of being a man -- positioned into/as a 'superior' role into the breasts while at the same time believing that because I am wearing 'breasts', I am incorporating 'feminine' characteristics -- as a point of 'accepting' femininity within/as me as a man. Thus, instead of existing in and as the expression of the moment here in/as, and equal the physical, I exist in and as a mind-equation within a polarity of 'entertainment', and 'no entertainment'. So it is to commit myself to express myself here in and as the physical, and the way to 'express' myself 'here' is to get to know me as a 'physical' being 'here' -- not defined by 'relationships' of polarity-equations that femininity and masculinity is defined as within and as what femininity and masculinity represents.

As the Elephant Dresser (the one who dresses the elephants):

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and as I am 'dressing' an elephant in the circus that I am making them look presentable as a circus elephant -- instead of realizing all of the relationships that have been created from and as the tacit agreements from all -- that came together into and as the statement of "This is how elephants should be dressed in order for them to look presentable / acceptable to the audience."

I see, realize, and understand that that which has become 'presentable' as the elephants' appearance for a circus show is in-fact the 'reflection' of that which represents who we are as 'humanity' -- as the definitions that 'moves' us as a 'humanity' within and as this world. Thus, I am simply validating all of our definitions, beliefs, acceptances, allowances, etc. -- that went in to create how elephants should be dressed at circus events.

I commit myself to when and as dressing circus elephants, I stop for a moment, breathe, and have a look at my relationship with dressing the particular-specific elephants for a circus show -- to not form a relationship with what I do, but to release myself from and as the relationships of me being an elephant dresser to the elephant (in separation) -- through self-forgiveness, and to thus, express myself in and as the physical 'here' equal to and one with and as the elephant -- which means that I am one and equal as the elephant because existing in and as separation to the elephant.... I might not be aware of all of the relationships that I created within me to / towards the elephant, but it is for me to be aware of my relationships to and as the elephant, and how I behave / act, conform to particular mannerisms / physical-movements -- all because of my initial mindset to and as the elephant (in separation) of particular-reactions that I unconsciously use to justify my superiority, or inferiority to the elephant (while dressing them).

As the Circus Owner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave elephants for the sake of entertainment and money -- as I feed on the 'exercising' of reactions from and of others through and as 'entertainment' -- provoking ones' mind to feed on the physical for resources to establish an optimal integrity of energy-experiences as 'entertainment' -- to create the illusion of 'positivity' and 'happiness', of which the point of entertainment is only being channeled within the point of 'positivity' and 'happiness' -- while the physical processes that it took to create this 'channel' of 'positivity' and 'happiness' as 'entertainment' was sabotaged into and as the manifestation of a circus performance.

I see, realize, and understand that the more that I feed on the 'exercising' of reactions from and of others through and as 'entertainment': in other words, being the instigator of and as 'entertainment', or to make someone react in a particular way, I see, realize, and understand that it validates the minds of the ones reacting -- as I am responsible for all others -- as me as what they are participating in and how they 'move physically' within and as their participation within it.

I commit myself to do what is necessary to be done in and as the system -- to have a life wherein I am able to acquire sufficient funds, but to not create an energy about what I do for work, or where I do it at -- but to equalize myself with and as what I do -- meaning that I do it not out of spite, manipulation or blame, but that I do it equal to and one with the physical 'here' -- seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am 'here' in and as what I do, and to be aware of and as all points of spitefulness, manipulation, and blame within and as what I do in the very little things that I do / participate in -- in and as my daily living / applications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave the physical as per the processes of what the elephant has to go through, the mind-relationships that the audience validated within themselves, and what the employees have to go through -- to create, in totality, the particular positive-energy experiences of a performance -- as to create this performance takes the application of physical abuse within and as the elephants. As the elephants are forced to perform particular-specific movements that appear magnificent to the mind. The audience validates who they are in and as their relationship to the mind in what is seen, and defined as 'entertaining', and the workers, who are trained to practice, and create the most optimal acts to keep the relationships that they have with the audience at an optimal integrity.

I see, realize, and understand that it takes the application of physical resources for and as everything that I do. Thus, it is to commit myself to use the physical in ways that are 'best for all', and to not sabotage the physical for the sake of the evolution of the mind in and as self-dishonesty. Thus, it is to commit myself to be self-honest in and as everything that I do / speak.

As Myself:

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I place myself as the elephant wearing particular-specific accessories, that the elephant in and as the nature of it -- doesn't have a relationship with and as the accessories that are being worn by it -- but that society, in general, has created a definition about the elephant wearing particular accessories, and thus in separation, manifested accessories that the elephant can wear so that the elephant can look 'attractive' / 'presentable' for circus performances -- which represents our definitions within/of life / living -- that has become the 'performance' for and of our personality systems. Thus, the elephant wearing the accessories that have been created for it is simply presented as a 'character' to satisfy the minds of and as the audience -- who is the collection of 'characters' that are being fulfilled by the 'presentation' of the particular-specific pictures, and 'movements' presented within and as the 'circus performance'.

I see, realize, and understand that I created relationships to particular-specific persons, places, and things, and thus, superimposed my relationships that I created in my mind onto physical reality. Thus, I commit myself to assess the relationships that I create, and that which I super-impose onto people, places, and things -- that I judge as something that is 'beautiful', or 'magnificent' in and as the appearance of it, and then to stop existing / participating in and as the particular-specific relationships -- as I create something in my mind that isn't real -- as 'beauty', and 'magnificence' -- when it really all is equal to and one with and as the physical substance of / as me 'here'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize this is no different than me, and the elephant when and as cross-dressing -- that society, in general, has created a definition of what a man and woman is / represents, and thus in separation, manifested particular-specific clothing for the man, and the woman -- that they can 'wear' to 'express' their 'manliness' or their 'womanliness'. But instead of existing as the elephant as not creating a relationship about it, I created a relationship about how / what it is to be a male, female, or in between 'manliness' and 'womanliness' within the gender spectrum, and thus, adapted particular specific accessories, and clothing that represents 'femininity' and 'masculinity'.

I see, realize, and understand that when and as I create definitions about how / what it is to be a male or female, that I superimpose these relationships onto and as various things that I either judge as 'masculine', 'feminine' or in and as the polarity opposite within creating an 'energy' of 'rebellion', and thus, degrade the nature of how I 'feel' about a particular-specific picture-presentation that represents what I believe and perceive to be masculine / feminine. Thus, it is to commit myself to -- instead of supporting or degrading that which I have created a definition about it -- within masculinity and femininity, I release all positive and negative relationships within me of which I exist within and as the identified 'gender role' that I believe myself to be -- whether it's within the 'character' of being cisgendered or transgendered.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that that which I value as a form of an accessory or clothing that I can wear that makes me 'feel' the way that I feel when and as cross-dressing -- is the same substance / physical manifestation of me as me, and that when and as wearing the particular-specific clothing / fabric, I am validating 1) the mind-creation -- in and as how / why it has been created for / as in society, 2) the mind-relationship within and as me -- of the reason that I 'like' to wear the particular-specific clothing, and 3) the physical processes that it took to create it. For example, because of my attraction to velvet, and thus, adapting the material velvet within cross-dressing, I am validating the mind-creation of and as the reason that the material velvet has been created in / as society -- which was associated with 'nobility' -- as nobility represents the quality of the elevation of the mind and exaltation of 'character' -- of which 'character' is in-fact a highlighted 'personality' that a particular-specific person envelops -- as who they are as the mind, and lives that particular-specific 'personality' as if it is who they are -- relation to the world-system as a whole. In addition, I am validating what velvet represents within me -- as 'femininity', and 'strength', and so thus validate my relationship with 'femininity' and 'strength', and perpetuate the character that 'femininity', and 'strength' plays out in the mind within, and the world system -- as 'feminism'. In addition, I am also validating the physical processes of / as the creation of velvet of which cotton, linen, mohair, wool, polyester, nylon, viscose, acetate, spandex (to give it stretch), and silk, are all of the particular types of material that goes in to creating the material velvet. (Note: In future blogs, I will expound more on the materials that are worn, and the physical processes that it takes to create the 'designs' that have been transformed into the 'idea' of what 'women's clothing' are, and 'men's clothing', and what women's clothing and men's clothing really is from a physical equal and one perspective.)

I commit myself to equalize myself with what I wear by having a look at the nature of what I wear -- come from because I in-fact form an indirect relationship to all of the relationships / history with that which I wear. So it is to understand the nature of what I wear, and apply self-forgiveness to ensure that I am 'clear' with/in what I wear. It is to also have a look at the relationship that I have with what I wear, and how it connects to the world-system / society, and my starting-point for and as forming a connection with what I wear -- to basically understand all of the dynamics with what I wear -- as to not create a 'value' about it, but to simply wear it from a perspective of equality and oneness 'here' -- as an expression of who I am with and as it.