The Gender Spectrum

So I was looking at the word 'non-binary' the other day in relation to gender, and according to a Gender Wiki that describes what 'non-binary' is, non-ninary genders are gender identities that don't fit within the accepted binary of male and female. For me, I think of 'gender' in itself like a sine wave with a line running in the middle that represents two polarities. On one end of the spectrum, you have the 'masculine male', and on the other end of the spectrum, you have the 'feminine female'. So one person may identify as a masculine male, which in the LGBT community is called a 'cisgendered' person. A 'cisgendered' male is a male that is aligned to their experience of themselves being a male. This goes the same with a female. A 'cisgendered' female is a female that is aligned to their experience of themselves being a female. So on the gender binary, they would be on the opposite ends of each other. Then you have all of the other 'genders' on the gender spectrum.

'Gender' is basically the GENeral experience of oneself DEtermining one's Reaction to the external world -- which differs from one's physical sex. One's physical sex will always be pretty much consistent such as male, female, intersex, or transsexual if one is physically transitioning using hormonal therapy. And it is this 'general experience' of oneself that can be 'infinite' in relation to the specific experience because the experience can change in intensity; it can change in its position on the gender spectrum, and it can go 'above' or 'below the gender polarity line which I represent as a sine wave. It can even have two points where, for instance, one point may be positioned relatively close to the 'masculine' position, and another point can be positioned slightly 'above' the gender spectrum near the 'feminine' position which would, for instance, represent feeling 'feminine', but at the same time feeling like something else other than 'feminine', but not quite 'masculine'. This would technically represent a gender identity called 'bigender' because of one point being positioned relatively close to the 'masculine' position, and the other point being positioned slightly 'above' the gender spectrum near the 'feminine' position, but the person may not 'feel' as though they want label themselves as that. So there are a lot of nuances involved with gender identity that are contingent on particular internal experiences.

So for me, it has been a long journey of trying to label what gender identity I am because of the position on the gender spectrum, and the intensity of that experience that changes all of the time. I can say that most of the time, there is a stable 'masculine' experience because I have lived as the definition of a 'man' and how I perceive that a 'man' should express himself, but I can say that the intensity and experience changes either unexpectedly, or depending on the situation or the thoughts at the time. Here in this blog, I'd like to explore the 'feelings' / 'experiences' of what constitutes the experience of having a 'gender identity'. And I would like to explore and challenge the 'feelings' that are attached to 'gender identity' through self-forgiveness. You can read my blog about self-forgiveness here to get a better understanding of the basis of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a 'feeling' to define me.

I commit myself to assess the internal feelings that I perceive as a 'gender identity', because I see, realize, and understand that when I try to identify a certain 'feeling' with a name, as a way of describing the structure of the feeling, I can also discern the content, and the memories that are attached to it that gives that 'feeling' its essence through my participation in it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my 'gender identity' is my general experience of myself that I have become most 'integrated' into (in my mind) on a physio-phsychological level, in relation to genetics, and / or through participating in a particular pattern (habit), for a tenacious (unyielding) period of time, that I have become that pattern which resonates an 'experience' that I perceive as a 'general experience' of myself, and that 'masculinity' and 'femininity' are just two 'general experiences' that are two of the most common and obvious out of a hodgepodge array.


I commit myself to assess deeper dimensions of myself that constitutes to patterns that I participate in on a daily basis, and assess the 'experience' / 'feelings' that I have connected to those patterns that can constitute to a 'general experience' of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special if I label myself as a specific gender identity such as 'bigender' or 'non-binary'.

I see, realize, and understand that when I depend on something 'separate' from me, such as 'gender', to give me an experience of being 'special', it is because of me wanting to inflate the value of my self-interests.

I see, realize, and understand that when I want to inflate the value of my self-interests, that that is all that I 'live' for, rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding how the world works, and how I can contribute to being a 'vessel' that brings an 'awareness' to the world in a way that will assist and support someone in giving them a new perspective / outlook on 'life' and what it means to take responsibility for oneself and one's actions.

I commit myself to release myself from my self-interests through speaking and writing self-forgivenesses which are 'blueprints' in the form of 'words' as 'declarations' of self-change.

I commit myself to expand myself by understanding what contributes to the things that I 'like' and the things that I do not 'like' because I see, realize, and understand how I use what I 'like' and what I don't like to create my 'ego' which becomes patterns of self-interests that I use to keep me 'victimized' to 'feelings' that are 'seeds' of what creates and reinforces my experiences to what I 'like' and what I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to define myself as something other than 'male' in order to be happy.

I see, realize, and understand how I can live an 'experience' physically and eventually become tired of that experience because of it not giving me the pleasureful 'feelings' that I perceive that the experience once offered me, and how this becomes a pattern throughout my life of living a life like a vampire that defines life based on a 'feelings' that becomes my 'lifeblood' of 'satisfaction' and 'fulfillment'. I see, realize, and understand how all other parts of life that are not defined within 'feelings' or, essentially, do not provide me with a stimulated 'response' to it are essentially 'ignored' and 'ostracized' because of how I integrated myself more within the fabric of 'feelings' and 'stimulation', and I see, realize, and understand how me creating a habit of researching the nuances of gender identity, and trying to 'match' my internal 'feelings' with a gender-orientated word becomes a 'representation' of this mind-fuck because of it being something done from the starting-point of wanting to feel 'more complete' about myself as an individual with a word that is an 'external', structural representation that describes my 'internal' experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that an experience cannot offer me 'pleasure', but that it is me projecting my 'internal responses' / 'reaction' to 'experiences' that, thus, creates the 'illusion' that the 'experience' itself is offering me 'pleasure' because of how I diminished myself to 'experiences' instead of directing experiences self-honestly.

I see, realize, and understand that when I do not direct experiences, I am 'dishonest'.

I commit myself to -- when I use words to define a 'feeling' as a way of giving it more 'structure' and 'comprehensibility' -- to use that word to assess deeper dimensions of myself that is responsible for creating the essence and expression of the word I chose to represent the 'feeling' and internal responses.

I commit myself to assess what all in my life I have 'missed' due to me 'ignoring' or not wanting to explore a part of me or a part of life because of it not giving me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally 'stimulates' me.

I commit myself to assess why is it that I 'blame' the things that do not give me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally stimulates me.

I commit myself to take responsibility to stop blaming the things in life that do not give me a 'feeling' or a 'response' that emotionally stimulates me, by assessing its value that can assist me in expanding my outlook in my life, and expanding my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how blame comprises of a modest (small) amount of anger, and how that modest amount of anger is covered up by things and people that 'stimulate' me, and how that modest amount of anger that resides within the point of 'blame' is reinforced every time that I accept and allow myself to exist in a pattern of being stimulated by something or someone instead of stopping or slowing myself down in that moment to really see, realize, and understand the nature of stimulated experience, and why it has become a point of conciliation (pacification) to cover up my qualm (uneasiness) to 'reality'.

I will continue in the next blog.......