Here is this blog, I am investigating how I defined the word 'masculinity' within my mind based on 'memories' that I 'valued' within my life that I used to create and construct the definition of 'masculinity'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'weakness' to the word 'masculinity' through the belief that to be 'masculine' is to be 'strong' and to not be 'masculine' is to be 'weak'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'weakness' to the word 'masculinity' through the belief that to be 'masculine' is to be 'strong' and to not be 'masculine' is to be 'weak'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be 'strong' is to 'adhere' to my step-father's principle that I suppose to 'fight back' when someone is physically abusing me, and believe that if I do not 'fight back' -- then I am 'weak', and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'intensify' this belief through reacting in a positive energy-experience when and as I applied this point in physical reality when fighting a boy around the age of eleven years old.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an 'experience' of 'happiness' and 'vulnerability' within myself as a child walking home from school, and 'channel' that 'experience' within saying 'Hi' to an African-American male stranger walking on the other side of the street, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of 'fear' and 'humiliation' within myself when and as he did not say 'Hi' back, but rather, looked at me with 'disgrace'.
And so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be 'masculine' is to 'suppress' the 'experience' of 'happiness' within myself, and to 'super-impose' that 'experience' of 'happiness' with apathy.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be apathetic is to be masculine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as an 'experience' of being 'humiliated' when and as I was asked to spell the words "I CUP" (which sounds like "I see you pee"): believing that based on the reaction of the two boys that were in a public restroom with me at school, that spelling the words "I CUP" is 'gay'.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'gay' to the word 'weak'.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as creating an 'experience' within myself of being 'weak' when and as the two boys in a public restroom at school asked me to spell the words "I CUP" (which sounds like "I see you pee") -- through connecting the same experience of 'humiliation' that I had to the African-American male stranger to the 'experience' with the two boys that asked me to spell the words "I CUP".
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the 'experience' of being 'humiliated' to the word 'gay' through seeing men that are defined as 'gay' become 'humiliated' by other males, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my 'experience' of being 'happy' and 'vulnerable' within the memory of when I encountered the African-American male stranger through 'regenerating' that 'experience' of 'happiness' and 'vulnerability' within hugging a male in 'college' and 'intensify' that 'experience' through blaming the 'African-American male' for not 'reciprocating' my gesture of 'happiness' in an 'equal' or 'similar' matter, and so within that, desire to 're-experience' the 'feeling' that I generated within myself when hugging the particular male in college with and to other males.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'vulnerable' to the African-American male that I encountered one day coming home from school because of my size compared to his size through creating a 'fear' of being 'attacked' by the African-American male based on his physical demeanor that I defined as 'negative'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'vulnerable' to the African-American male that I encountered one day coming home from school based on a back-chat that I had of, "I want to see how this man will respond if I smile at him. It's okay to smile." through already forming a negative connection to the word 'happiness', and so within this, generate an 'experience' of 'happiness' within myself and connect it word 'vulnerability' that I defines as an 'expression' of being 'open' and 'unresistant'.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I generated the experience of 'vulnerability' within myself based on how I defined the 'experience' of 'happiness' as an 'inferiority' through previous memories, and so within this, use the 'experience' of 'vulnerability' towards the African-American male based on a 'back-chat' of "It's okay to be happy and friendly to males."
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a 'positive energy-experience' to males that have 'homosexual tendencies' (within 'societal programming) through channeling my memory of me experiencing myself as 'happy' and 'vulnerable' to / towards the African-American male that had a demeanor that I defined as 'negative' to towards males that have 'homosexual tendencies', and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the demeanor of males that have 'homosexual tendencies' to my experience of being 'happy' and 'vulnerable', and thus, create a 'platonic attraction' to males that have 'homosexual tendencies' (from the perspective of believing that they have a 'resemblance' of 'demeanor' to mine as being 'happy' and 'unresistant' to male interactions).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define particular physical movements and behaviors as 'homosexual' movements, and believe that when and as someone 'attributes' those particular 'movements' -- believe that they have 'homosexual tendencies' instead of realizing that it is my own judgments that I projected onto particular physical movements that I limited myself within and as -- which I use to manipulate my own perception about myself / others.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to redefine the word 'masculinity' through investigating the words that I connected to the word 'masculinity' which are the words that 'give life' to my 'experience' of 'masculinity' in my world / reality, and investigate how I 'play out' those words in physical reality through physical behavior.
I and commit myself to, instead of being an 'effect' of the words that I connected to the word 'masculinity' which I 'express' within 'physical behavior' -- see how I can 'redefine' my relationship to words through 'directing myself' in physical reality as a point of 'equalizing' myself with words.
I commit myself to 'equalize' myself with words by understanding my 'relationship' to words, and how I have 'programmed' myself within physical behavior through memories to 'act out' words based on how words 'affect' me within my life.
I commit myself to see, realize, and develop an 'awareness' to memories, and to see, realize, and understand how 'words' and 'pictures' are the 'building blocks' of memories that gives memories 'life' when and as I 'react' to memories.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that I 'react' to memories when and as I participate in 'emotions' and 'feelings' within my world / reality.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that memories create how I emotionally perceive myself and others within my world / reality.
I commit myself to see, realize, and understand that I become an 'affect' of how I 'emotionally' perceive myself and others.
I commit myself to, instead of being an 'affect' of words and pictures, as the building blocks of memories -- to 'release' myself from how I 'patterned' words within myself that influences my physical behavior. I commit myself to 're-pattern' words by releasing both the 'fear' of not be 'masculine', and the 'desire' to be masculine through investigating the memories within myself -- as words and pictures that I use to define the word 'masculine'. I commit myself to join the Desteni I Process Lite courses to get perspective of what emotions and feelings are and how they influence me, and I commit myself to check out Earth's Journey to Life blogs on how to redefine words effectively.
